How sweet the struggle, I contemplate under the sky of a colorful string of lights attached to a perfectly cut post. Of man’s advances do I live this way, in a suppression of nature, of Nature, OF NATURE so that we may outrun it all.
A toddler, shrieking out anger (entitled to be angry, just don’t hit anyone. Entitled to be hurt and rejected, but not ok to abuse).
A strange scent of pipe tobacco, bbq, and urine = public park.
I need an infusion. Yes, so I have been helped to see that the time for shrooms is sooner rather than later. I won’t be alone, probably not. I never am. Though, sometimes the pain is greater than I think I can bare (bear? holy fuck I don’t remember) anyhow, I think I can’t take it anymore but I am somehow cared for by these energy-riding breaths of powerful nothingness. I don’t understand but I don’t have to. All I have to do is practice the things that make me feel love (that is what is the fuel of Art, afterall).
I’m glad I stuck out listening to the music. It turned out to be really good; quite healing and resonating; no challenge. sweet acceptance of death and the eternal ones who see it is but the gate to where they are. to where they will always be.
Honestly, this has begun to transform my soul this evening, this Living Room Songs by Olafur Arnalds. Dear god, I feel I need a certain strength to listen to this music. Like, it is of a slightly higher grade than I am. Teehee! Truth is so good it taps you into all of human history.
It’s good I had a weekend to unwind. I need weekends to stay sane. I also see how incredibly valuable work is (hard work) to my brain. It is giving me a very solid energy throughout the day. Wow, it’s so good. People are my new workout. I want to stick to my original plan of being the…the walking idea of who it is I will be in the end.
I have a Capriotti’s philly cheesesteak on its way to me. I’m a blessed bitch with a broken heart, a bad past and a good start.
Look at this I made and put into someone’s moly, years ago. I wonder who sees it? Did it end up in Spain?
When you can teleport, it doesn’t matter where you live.
Everything is different this time…that is the wholemsome and truiest truth. ❤
Write a million of these things, Jen. You’re not annoying anyone. No one really knows you, anyway. You are your own sword and your own heaven. (I do know that I am deeply loved and appreciated by people. I do know and am grateful, etc.)
Because I was wondering about my next shroom trip and looking forward to it, but knowing that the time does matter and the person(s) matter: “Lord”, I says, “Lord, send me the someone who I can assist via shrooms. Let me know”. Et voila, that very day at work that person started talking to me and its on, its begun. Don’t know when, but it will happen. Don’t know how it will go, but it will be an exciting ride, to be sure. 🙂
I cannot CANNOT believe how much I love my job. In each day, without a doubt, there are a couple of hours (or more, some days) of shitty shit, but for the most part, I’m laughing. I’m helping and smiling. I’m using my brain and it feels great. It gives me a high when it’s not too nuts.
Today was great, today was great. I felt so many things today. Happiness, peace, sadness, and rage. Boredom, fear, peace and calm. Happy happy moments, some. If we could will the way, some emotions would be better left to the night, and some to the day. Instead, arise they will, whenever and where my life exists inside this humanness. A push and pull of a body inside with other bodies, inside other bodies, pushing and pulling. Others. Relationships. The only thing and the everything. The Whatevers. Boundless and ripe, ready for picking when you leave the path for the orchard. Stay awhile. Stay awhile.
Yes, no One Thing. It’s impossible. For someThing to be a One, it has to have edges. And, nothing that has edges can possibly include everything. Nope.
Doing what is good for me and I’m better for it now. It’s hard-going sometimes, isn’t it, kids? Going against the flow against hard, deep currents. Swept out to sea, but close enough to see the people waving on the shore you have to work to change direction sometimes. I have advanced hugely in regard to what it is people have given me. You get to keep a lot.
Sometime previously: I left work almost in tears, just because people are so…angry. Stressed-out. Difficulties everywhere. Me, sad about being on edge; about feeling so threatened by it all. So I got in my car and wanted to cry. I dabbed my eyes and called a good friend. She told me exactly what I need to hear: some days are good and the positives of working with coworkers will be reaped! Friendships; being uplifted by them, enjoying them. Other times, one has to listen to the negativity, the bullshit and it feels burdensome, tiring.
Oh, so my dear friend, she gave me really great advice. She said perhaps I ought to preview old journals. Read about what I was wishing for, what inspired me and motivated me. She also said (after I asked her what she would do, were she me) that she would put some effort into honing my spirituality. Take a class with like-mindeds. Get Reiki certifications (super interesting, just not cheap). I think yes. My journals are in a box, packed and taped shut. I have wanted to take some pictures of the insides of those journals. Maybe tomorrow I’ll do that.
“Wouldn’t it be nice to say things to people without having to say I know this sounds weird, but…”. Yes, it would be very nice. Has been nice. Also, as such a beginner in it all it would be great to get support.
At the center, the Emperor, inverted (Central Thought):
Lack of self-control and inability to handle situations can be represented by the Emperor on a personal level. When he is reversed, the structures, rules and systems that he creates are no longer working. His desire to inspire higher principles in his kingdom have turned to ruthlessness, tyranny and rigidity. He seeks to dominate, forgetting his call from the crown to do what is best for his people, fearing only for his loss of control and thus creating suffering.(https://labyrinthos.co/blogs/tarot-card-meanings-list/the-emperor-meaning-major-arcana-tarot-card-meanings).
On the left, the King of Wands (Creative, Right-Side Brain):
“…a time of focus and perseverance.”…”This is not just a temporary condition. There is a longevity to your success. Your victories are likely the result of your ability to take chances when daring is needed and be cautious when it is required.”…”Trust your judgments on investments… The stability and success you are experiencing now has the potential to be more permanent. Your good habits will sustain you as long as you continue to actively practice them.”
On the right, The Hanged Man (The Sequential and Consequential) :
The hanged man understands that his position is a sacrifice that he needed to make in order to progress forward – whether as repentance for past wrongdoings, or a calculated step backward to recalculate his path onward. This time he spends here will not be wasted, he does this as part of his progression forward. His upside down state can also symbolize the feeling of those that walk a spiritual path, for they see the world differently. Where there are others that do not understand the need to sacrifice, you see it differently. This is a natural course of action for you as you walk the path alone.IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE IN A VERY GOOD STAGE/BRANCHING OF CLEARING SOME OF YOUR KARMA TO A MORE PEACEFUL STATE (SOMEDAY MAYBE SOME INFUSED BLISS DAYS IS THE HOPE. maybe I should make those come into reality by interpreting them into the physical/material world. What in this world could materialistically give be bliss? Well: To see another great art museum – the works, the building, the grounds. I’ve been to Chicago, to New York, to L.A. Where would the next great museum be to visit? Philadephia? After visiting family and friends, I think that would be a good goal/inspiration.
The Hanged Man card reflects a particular need to suspend certain action. As a result, this might indicate a certain period of indecision. (Basically, be patient. Acceptance of being patient for changes. Accept responsibility. Let it arrange itself, what is out of my control. Wait for alignment in my self and the world). IN OTHER WORDS, COOL YOUR SHIT AND CHILL, MAN.
I’ve been making myself blogs and journals for years and then years more, but I’ve never made myself a book. It could have everything in it, from photos to writing and it’s designed so differently (god, I loved books so, once. Just ab-so-fucking-lute-ly loooooooved books… I have to work on stillness…Let my body freak out for a few minutes. It will and does eventually relax and then my mind does succumb to switching over to the reading part of my brain.
I’m liking the opportunity for growth it is. It feels like it’s moving along and in a changing-scenery kind of way with the revolving cast of characters. Sometimes its harrrrrd because people can’t just chill the fuck out, banging their heads against the telephones against each other for no good reason; sometimes I feel carried and lifted up by them. I also love how physical it is, my job. I did a brave thing and it was worth it.
OMG yayee!! I just saw big Spring buds on the trees!!! I’m so excited! Yay, trees, yay!!!
God, finally the dishwasher is done. I can go microwave my food in a microwave-safe dish now. I had to wait, like, 25 minutes it feels like. It’s really windy right now. Beautiful out. Chimes chlanking in the chill.
Change happens in the desert over a slow period of time. Most of it goes unnoticed by anyone except for the raptors because they are always looking for changes.
There’s time for everything. Sit back. Relax and just take it all in. You are loved and there’s time for everything. In the end, you’ll be satisfied.
I’m interested in the people at work. That’s pretty cool.
A client sent me a gift from Amazon at work! I was super embarrassed and…afraid. I had anxiety. But I tried to let myself enjoy it. It’s a gift meant to make me feel appreciated for being kind or positive, or genuinely appreciated otherwise in some way. Gifts give me anxiety, I think, because I feel I can never make a mistake again. That a gift is a supreme sacrifice of an Other (it isn’t) and that they are signifying an expectation of the way things will be in exchange for items (fuck that shit). Either way, I can know that’s what a gift means to me. I can’t know what it means to the other person. Not really. To understand the meaning behind a message is the responsibility of the gifter, not the receiver. Is that true?
“If you just relax and enjoy the show, the dream of reality, the mystery of life. If you just step back from what you think you are, and let the fire of your soul touch the light of God, you’ll be blessed with pure enjoyment”. –u/core_de_roma
Yes, Jen. Relax and enjoy the show.
A surprising aspect of my job that I enjoy and find empowering is when I help the cranky old people. I have a different perspective than I used to about them. They used to utterly piss me off and disappoint me with their seeming meanness. But now I see them as defensive, pissed-off (because: world, disappointments), but also see them as people who have endured decades of loss and confusion. I see them as people who have probably done unbelievably difficult and sad things and have endured as best they can with what they have been shaped to be by outside forces. For some, the best they can be is ordered and diligently careful. I have found (immediately, from Day 1 at the New Job) that to speak to them with kindness, and also with patience shown through slowed speech and thoughtful listening, that they respond with an outpour of … sincerely appreciative connection. They soften immediately. They are able to take in more of what I am saying. They feel my love and care for them and something falls away from them, like a heavy rug that was wrapped around them. They seem to have more awareness and an ability to absorb the moment as a positive exchange of community, inclusion, mutual care and appreciation (after all, we are both appreciative of cooperating). It has been extremely rewarding to me, emotionally, that I can make a warm place in a cold world for someone else in the moment. Extremely gratifying. It grants me permission to self-love, not gonna lie; Because, that is real power, to be able to enhance spirit and life through attention and invisible means, and with no loss of supply or energy, really. In fact, it is itself energizing and uplifting.
I sometimes want to write letters to people, to tell them what I really think. I want to tell the girl at the Wendy’s drive through with the blue butterfly on a blue rose tattoo on her arm that she is her mom’s hero, but also that her mom, already half-gone is forever inside her world because she’s forever inside her. So young to have a mother so sadly debilitated by early-onset Alzheimer’s…I’m still going to think on this one. I feel I need to tell her something and maybe I will figure it out. Maybe she will think I’m nuts, but I don’t think so. I saw the depths of sadness shadowing her visage the first time. I felt “The South” in her before she spoke, telling me my total for the crispy chicken sandwich and diet pepsi (or coke?). I saw that blue-tinged butterfly atop the wonky rose and I knew: mama. But so young? Yes. So young to see someone so needed by her forget who she is or was; to be unable to give the gold inside her to someone who cherishes it so. Poor baby. All I could say was, “You know, I can feel it, honey.” To acknowledge what must feel so …such a lonely burden of loss. Sometimes I wish I had better direction to know what to do. Why don’t I? Because you don’t even try to meditate or sit in silence in the morning to wait for it. You music-blasting, news-reading, drama-queen idiot. LOL You spend your time suspiring into the wind and then writing about it here. BUT, I do now know that blue butterflies mean mother. White butterflies mean husbands, I think. Will need to test them both further. Cats mean a message is coming. Houses describe a person’s perspective of taking care of self (needs).
50 cases of Covid at the workplace I just left behind…wow. Nobody’s died so that’s good.
As I’m getting to know my new coworkers, I find I like them a lot, but the drama is there and I want to handle these other humans as best I can. I know I’m working on a series of challenges loooooong running in my life (challenges, not problems), thematically-speaking. Same shit, different setting, different decade; but with much better perspective (deeper, by a lot). I’m going to get older here at this place. It may be my last job (a big deal) and this last kind of thing, so I want it to be really good. I want to go out on a high-note. I know that’s so fucking morbid, but why else do I have this urgency to create a LOT of influence on the world right now? It feels good, it feels right, it feels incredibly important. A small world I have to (need to want to) live in for a bit? Other people and my effect on them. I feel like a bit of a creep saying such things, but being truthful is so crucial to growth, my growth. And my growth has become something. No, not “something”, the only thing worth living for.
What do I miss from my old life? The twilights. The warmth of summer nights. Being outside at a bbq. People celebrating life. Young people. Hopeful people.
Good night. I hope you do well tomorrow and feel good about it all at the end of the day. At twilight to be exact.
You’ve got the power to change your mind, and it’s crucial that you do; for you will be a slave to your mind. You will, in each split second not directly commanded, be on Auto Pilot. You will convince yourself through your actions and applications ONLY, and not through constant, repetitious thoughts of the dream of changing. Dreams are where possibilities and truths are born free and wild, and generally in your conscious favor: to embed. But some things buried as seed, whether intentional or not, are growing – having been buried away from the light of awareness and continuous re-action.
I think I can re-work and improve on some of my art and hone better craftsmanship skills (not the priority, however…)
Hmm. What are the priorities right now? Life is so new to me. This…life is fucking crayyyyyyzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzeeeeeeeeeee-e-e-ee-ee-eeeee. Here I am, the same being, but hardly recognizing anything because of how much things change and have changed. I’m the same person, but not at all…or is any of that true? I work so hard, and talk to so many people. I feel huge bands of power coming out of me and through the space we occupy. The waves of energy (all power. All weild power). Everyone pushing, leaking, vomiting, irradiating, radiant and outward as an angel’s welcome-home.
Tired, and will start again tomorrow. lol some people work this hard for years and I have, too. But I feel like this is a new kind of work. A new kind of home, but that’s so strange that everything changes and changed. Wow. Like they say, “life is a ride”. Anyway, I’ve got to go to my lovely bed.
We cannot act to align with our stars, we just do. We just do.
I may need to publish every day now, for a while. It might be the healthy thing to do. A small, something-creative, to cut a hole into the side of this daily-grind kind of Olympics I have gotten myself into. Today, I, laughing, shaking my head, said, “fuck this shit, god”. Sometimes, I hate it here.
The Deja Vu. They are not common for me, the ones with intense significance, where I recognize the situation from a dream. The very interesting difference with this one is that the dream was very dream-like and symbolic, unlike “normal” deja vu’s that are more like “having seen this situation occur in a past dreaming-state”. This one required interpretation, and it’s timing was right for me to take it seriously and really think about how to “handle” it. Very, very interesting. Also unusual was how I tripped out during the deja vu. I was dizzy, almost having to try to stay in the present moment rather than slipping into …almost like falling asleep. It happened while I was at work. It lasted a long time for a deja vu. Very weird. Very helpful. I feel like I have a conscious, accessible, do-able task for myself that I know will improve the quality of my life and self-fulfillment. Wow.
So much to go through and post. Super fun seeing again and I enjoy posting them, for sure. If the artwork’s too crappy, I won’t post it, but almost everything else, yes. There’s some funny stuff, too. I love to appreciate my own work after not seeing it for a long time. Sometimes, I don’t end on good terms with my own drawings and paintings. I used to be ashamed of some things. But now, I see that these things are precious for ever having been created at all.
See the starry, dissolved effects in the paint above? That is the effect of using salt on damp paint. There is a trick to using not too much water in the paint, or letting some of it evaporate off before salting. Too much water and the salt will dilute enough to cause it to bond with the paper. It’s a fabulous effect. I used it here on my new-then watercolors, made with honey as a binder. And on my new-then pads of watercolor paper, bonded together with glue at the edges so you don’t have to tape down all the edges or stretch the paper. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I hate the set-up process of painting!
There’s more, and I’ll post that later. I think more here would be too much. It’s been fun. I wonder if when I’ve gone through it all and posted what I want to, if I will enjoy the emptyness of having done that. Like, maybe I’ll feel open and free to create some new things with more current relevence. If so, how different will the work be? I feel like instead of taking a more complicated direction, I will take a more spontaneous, looser direction and just not worry so much about anything. Lots of these little pieces reflect that anyway, but I would like to recover a sense that artmaking is just a way to relax and unbundle my mind.
I’m doing great at work. Have made myself valuable and reliable and resilient. I am on a 12 hour set of days this next week and we’ll see how I do. I may really like it. As long as it’s busy, I sort of have found I thrive on the “panic” of things and it is helping me learn the job. I have had to stand my ground on the amount of days I’m wanted there, however. I have made it clear what I do not like. With only one significant demand, I’m a very flexible One who is highly cooperative. I have found that I truly am an amazing coworker and employee. Yes, they are lucky to have me. Making myself that way increases my quality of life, without a doubt. I love bringing good things to others through my work.
Oh! A fascinating psychic time at work. I’m on the phone with a new client. We take info to enter it into the system before they arrive so the welcome is smooth upon arrival. I ask the gentleman his last name (had good vibes somehow coming from him, too. I wonder of that doesn’t have something to do with it). I know it just before he says it. I am amused and pleased. Then, even before I ask him his first name, I know (this is what’s called claircognizance) it is ‘Christian’. I ask. He hesitates for the splittest of seconds and says, “Chris”. I didn’t not ask if it was short for Xtian, but I don’t need to ask. I already know. So. Cool. Just open channels? Cooperation? Like-minds? I really wonder. I’ll never know. I’ll never tell this person. These secrets are mine to keep and wonder about.
The music situation is still highly repetitive, but I am now very much enjoying the upward spiral I see it has become. So much Peter Murphy and Daniel Cavanagh and Lo Moon. Gorgeous music.
Today, a surprise whole day off, alone, under very grey skies (really, really may rain). Thank god I’m enjoying it. Typical for how I roll, yesterday Adam left the house to go be with people and the timing was perfect so I could walk, sit, lay, and wander around in my state of despair. I cried when I could, letting each wave come at me like a knife, hopeful that each cut could would slash a larger hole in my swollen, weary heart; (Later, when Adam came home and we were hanging out, he said “Are you ok? You look like Darth Vadar when they take his helmet off at the end”. That was fucking funny and I’m still laughing about it! We both had a good laugh. 🙂
Punishing me for existing beyond the confines of my comfy walls. The thing that makes it devastating is that the delustion at the time that this is a very real reality “this is it. This is the truth of my life. This is reality and it is how it was, is, and shall be. I now know the Truth“. It feels like a wake-up call to an extremely negative and empty reality, but that’s the non-sense, but I don’t know that, and that’s why, folks, it’s a nightmare and it’s dangerous to my sense of self and safety.
When I woke up today, after Adam kissed me on the forehead before he left early for work (as usual), and after Captain then kissed me and stuck his little wake-up claw in my chin, it was and is a whole new day. (This is the craziest sentence you’ve ever written, Jen, you fucking retard). XD
Speaking of dreams, this morning’s was: I dreamed of intersecting with an old art teacher who was still teaching in a school I was, like I said, intersecting somehow in the dream. He was a kind of comfort, and welcoming to me to come be in that life, a creative and social life. He didn’t just remember me, but it was like he wanted to continue having me in his world and him being in my world I guess, too. I was extremely nervous and unsure of who the fuck I was in the world and I wanted to run, to end this social pressure, but somehow was unable to. Like, I had to be here right now. I was dreading the future in every way. Disturbed and upset about having to make choices and be involved.
Other people terrify me. It’s profound stuff, these simple recurrent themes. The sadness and anxiety of a combination of time passing, opportunities lost and no real idea of anything I want to do except be a good thing for the people in my life. I guess that’s where I need to let my anxieties (try anyway) fall away, if possible. It’s my only job here. My only job is to gently help and willingly assist whomever comes my way and is in my path.
I’m old enough to be the mother of grown-ups now. Mothers are involved, however, and I definitely do not wish to be anyone’s mother, though I do like being a source of comfort and a supportive listener as I pass people in the clouds. That’s all. Most days now, I cannot wait for this to end. I have 10 years left and I can’t believe it is coming to an end, but it’s true. I absolutely cry at the thought of having done a shit job and having been so sad so often. I really feel like I failed the hard parts, but don’t know if I could have done any better. I think I did try my best. I’m going to try my very best to both relax and do well in this next decade. The last 10 years went by so quickly, it seems, but I know that isn’t quite the case. I want all that I have remaining to be full of beauty and love and positive xp’s. I don’t even care to travel anymore, but I want to go more frequently to see my family. I want to see the Pacific NW. I want to go to DLand with Adam a few more times! See Death Valley. Go to Sedona once more. I want more rocks and crystals, and feathers. I want to make some staffs out of the sticks I have collected (not a ton, but a few). Charge them up through the making of them. Like life itself, like all relationship. Life is entirely about relationship – no exceptions.
You know what? Yesterday was just intense, and I’m a little traumatized from it, and I’m trying to put some order to my shaken world. That…is what this is.
Upright Hierophant (Jan. 28)
The Hierophant card represents an established set of spiritual values and beliefs and is often correlated with religion and other formal doctrines. Before you can discover your own belief systems and make your own choices (as associated with the next card, the Lovers), the Hierophant encourages you to learn the fundamental principles from a trusted source.
Work with a teacher, mentor, or guide to teach you about spiritual values and beliefs in a structured way. He may be an authority or a kind and generous mentor who nurtures your spiritual awareness and helps you access the Divine by understanding the traditions and core principles. You may also undertake a period of formal study as you delve into a subject that has been widely explored and documented.
If you have already mastered a particular field of study, you may be taking on the role of teacher and mentor to others. In this position, you honour and acknowledge your responsibility to share your knowledge in a structured way, one that respects the age-old traditions.
The Hierophant‘s arrival suggests you are following convention and staying within the bounds of a ‘tried and tested’ model. You are not yet willing to go out on a limb or offer any new and innovative ideas. Instead, you adhere to the key principles and rules that you know will lead to a successful result.
The Hierophant may call you to honour family traditions or sacred rituals that sit neglected. You are being asked to commit to spiritual practice in its most wholesome form – no customisation, no adaptation, no bending the rules. If you have been lacking ritual and tradition, create a regular practice such as daily prayer or saying grace before a meal. Consider exploring your spiritual or religious heritage.
The Hierophant Tarot card often speaks to group membership or being part of an institution. You may enjoy a deep sense of comfort being surrounded by people who have well-established belief systems and explicit values. Finding them may be as significant as exploring a new church or religious group, or as simple as joining a gym or online Tarot community. This card is about identifying with others and a way of thinking that will prompt further learning.
I’ve been through a lot this week! I feel like I’m an amazing, yet retarded person. I am proud of myself for not quitting, for keep-go. It has been INTENSE!! This is the hardest part and in a couple of weeks, probably, I’ll be through almost all of it. Maybe a month.
You know what should be everywhere? Comfy chairs, couches and sedans.
I think I should be allowed to say things like, “fuck you, mutha-fuckah” in my head, and mean it in a way, but it still be fine because of how fucking cool I am too people all day. There has to be some balance and to also remember that people are human beings, which means they constantly from from what inner world to another and that makes them behave bothersomely.
I get a lot more out of living at a higher level, closer to surrender to Fate because it isn’t in our hands really at all, now is it? It’s in no one’s hands. It’s something long ago set into motion and it’s fate is our fate, too.
The Last Day of January
I am not ready to publish this yet. But I will because 1. I want to move past it, and 2. I don’t want you to feel sad or disappointed.
It’s going to be a very busy week. One of the most intense in a long time. I have to remain and practice positivism.
Someone I like and know at work was talking to me about their past trauma in the middle of their adulthood. I took notes afterward because I was compelled by his story and my understanding of it. This was in a notebook and probably discussed in 2018 or 19 with him, but I took a picture of the page in April of 2020. (Maybe someday I’ll be grateful for the context of this entry, eh? Afterall, I kept trying to figure out what JR meant at the top. Then I remembered this wasn’t about me or for me. Yet, of course it is always about me and eventually for me).
With my drum I disrupt the still energies inside the material confines of the walls of my home and body, too. When I dust the house and objects, I clear space for fresh movement and renewed spirit to act. Where dust settles, there is work to do; physically and mentally.
This legit made me cry, it is one of the sweetest things I’ve ever seen. I hope this link lasts forever:
I just feel lit up inside when I talk to my brother, Dave, in a way that makes me feel safe, peaceful, excited, happy, energized, and loved. I’m so glad I got to have a brother like Dave. Long live Dave! He was the definitely my first friend and I’ve never not known him. People can replace love, but some relationships can never be replaced because of the special harmony and resonance. It’s funny, I think what me and Dave share deeply is our sense of humor about it all.
Right Now, 1/19/21. My music is in a strange, numbing recycling of sound right now. What does this mean? It happens, in life it has happened many times, but what it prophesizes…I do not remember.
It’s Tuesday, but it feels like 1942.
My neighbor’s got a food delivery. I wonder how lonely and unloved some people must feel, but they’ve just got to be loved. How many unloved-by-anyone people are there out there? Like, literally the people who are loved by NO LIVING PERSON. The thought fills me with despair and a feeling of powerlessness. I hate thinking about other people, but it’s all I ever think about.
I feel like it’s been a long time since I’ve been out in the desert and enjoyed the shit out of it. It’s like my soul isn’t really with me – yikes, I feel very upset thinking that statement, but that is how confused I am about it. Winter just began, and it feels so barren and wide, like a parking lot, old and crumbling, crawling with that grass that grows better the worse you treat it. Not crabgrass, the other one that spreads like a spiderweb. Once you get it, you will never get rid of it.
Where was I.
I am afraid, too. I see in myself the spaces filled by chaos and the places like islands over time, once there now gone. Taken out, swallowed up by the waves of a few large storms. So fragile are we. Seeing it is like looking into something so creepily like an abyss, but quick in time, like a meteor burning as it enters the atmosphere. Here, then gone. Beautiful and bright, and then a remembrance with only a hint of sensation. Gone.
My love is a swamp. It isn’t very deep but it does go on forever.
I will start using different backgrounds besides the red peacock table cloth from here on. I think I’d like some variety in the behind-the-scenes-of-subject-matter’s.
Coffee and dancing. Need more frequency of.
So far, 2021 is extraordinarily creepy. I feel like it is like walking in a strange dream on the edge of a foggy nightmare. Everything is fine, it’s just scary, strange, and I’m not so sure about any specific kind of outcome. I kind of want to get hit by a truck, but the thought of peeps crying hard at my graveside make me reconsider. Ok, god, I’ll stick it out. Fuck you.
profound change begins today.
The dawn is beautiful, here I sit. I came to say good-bye after long thinking of ending this blog and ‘Jen Crow’, not my real name, not anything other than a pseudonym. A mask to wear so I can feel like I am in the world but still private and protected. But this is the name I chose and once upon a time it made sense.
I decided after long thinking, as I said, to come here and say good-bye and restart an older blog whose name, Sacred Desert, denotes an emptyness I feel a great expansive comfort in. But I opened this silly art-dump, thought-run-on’s up and there’s just too much unfinished here. I had a goal of posting all of my artworks that are in boxes and sketchbooks, and I haven’t finished that at all. After all, this blog is a place of safe storage that doesn’t require a password. Someday, someone will find it, perhaps me in some future incarnation; and, I will feel a strange, inexplicable pull toward this unexplainable connection, the non-sense ringing bells, etc.
So, why profoundly changing today? Yesterday was, in a way, the last day of a kind of life I’ve been living for many years. Today begins something absolutely unknown to me. Moving on, for sure, in a huge way. Must keep head up, must move on.
What I’m looking forward to the most is being altered by the beingness of other people. The risk, obviously, is that it will be intense for me. Possibly negative and if that is the case, I will have to decide if I am the rock or if I am floating. Aha, I’ve had an epiphany: I definitely want to be the floater. I’ve been a rock too fucking long and though I’ve been smoothed down and no part of me has been weakened, I am smaller for it. Fine, for I am now a polished stone, and gazing upon myself I now see more easily into myself, and smaller, refined, simpler, maybe…I am more beautiful? No, not more beautiful…I don’t know. I’m just not done. Just not done here.
I love you so much Bonnie, Tonya; even you, Vickie.
Charles and Joseph, I know I didn’t say good-bye. I will write you all a letter to let you know how much I appreciate your beautiful souls. I will paint a watercolor rainbow on a blank card and you’ll know I really care about you.
Lt. Q, I too regret the work friendship we surely would have had. Though I think your religious and conspiracy theories are insane, I just dig you and I think we should go to Plantworld together. You would love it, just like I said. You’ll think it’s peaceful, beautiful, and amazing. I think it’s really cool you gave cats a try and are delighted by them. You saved a couple cats, too. You are an interesting baseball-bat of a person.
Ok then. Off to my new life. I feel very good about this. VERY! 😀
I have a box of artworks next to me. I’m going to work on posting that so I can put it away and free up space for my physical journals. I need a small table right here. I’m going to go thrift-store hunt for one very soon! That will be fun! Writing that down now.
Monday. Time to find newness. Time to find new things to hope for, and surprises and earnings and gifts. Time, also, to be challenged in ways you’ve never been challenged before. You can do this. You want to be better. You can be better, and you WILL BE BETTER. You will have sunshine inside you again (promise). It’s the promise of every Ending. The way you are now will end when you become renewed, but enough of you remains to remember. Someone scraped the bottom of her grinder and found a blessing during hard times in the form of one last keef-y bowl.
THE PRIEST WHO DIED This priest who died, had an NDE and reported on it in an interview I watched, he said “the bible is a crutch. It helps people cope with life when otherwise they cannot. They are broken and they need a crutch until they don’t”. That is what I remembered and I remembered also that these people I work with, they are broken. They are limited. They are as limited as me but perhaps less intelligent. The interesting and beautiful thing is, he remained a priest. He was literally here to heal people within their culture (church, bible, etc) using their tools, and their language to guide them through the chaos of being soul-possessed monkeys (which I believe we are). He was even open about his belief and NDE experience. I am happy and relieved he gets to keep his job. People like him, who accept and understand others are true bridges and great teachers. Openness is critical to growth and helping people in general.
I’m making a new way of journaling. Shit, did I say this already elsewhere? Here below are some things newly entered. The yellow Owl and random thoughts are from today, 1/5/21. The dark owl with black ink squaggles and outlined is yesterday. Owl is my go-to for just opening the door to drawing or painting. It is the the door wedge. I can do an owl. I can handle and owl. Owl is wise and brings me messages through the door, besides.
TUESDAY. My sense of humor is a gift I am grateful for. Nature and nurture gifted me on that one. I grew up in a family that has a great sense of humor, regardless if it is sometimes over-the-top and occasionally insensitive.
Released Too Soon In The Wild
Released in to the wild too soon, was she. Her fur soft, but thinly. Her small body, perfect but fragile. Her heart was a hollow filled up with bees. But in that hollow once bees bumped and bounced, was now filled with honey. A bee’s nest of delight. She lifted the golden dew and held it above her like the sun. Above her head, with lowered eyes, she cast the light on e’eryone.
I want to have the equipment and skills for aging, as well as going into the problems of middle age, the Long Autumn. I want to help bring the truths of beauty into the world, not the truths of brutality. Not proofs of separateness. Everyone already knows about the separate but connectedness of life. (Those who don’t suffer). What about the beauty of being cared for? Who would I want that taken away from? Nobody.
I am hoping we get some rain this year.
Remember that red-skinned apples are medicine to you. They will sing inside you when you eat them. Let them in.
Oh my gosh today was gooooood. I went to an interview. I was so unhappy about having to go. WHAT is more stressful?! But, I enjoyed the drive up there, without music, just the commanding voice of Google Maps Lady telling me when to turn right, etc.
Later that day…I GOT IT! I GOT THE JOB! MY FIRST INTERVIEW, MY FIRST TRY AND I GOT IT! lol I am soooooo happy and nervous about being the new girl.
The man I will be working for…he is an open heart. He has compassion. He is attuned to certain things. I read him very, very well and I think I may be in good company (though professional. I am not currently shopping for friends, especially not at a new job). It’s possible I could be free here. Intellectually, spiritually. Coming from a place of total suppression, being a kind of secret witch, it makes one a bit of a hermit of the heart. I also know to be extremely careful and shut-mouthed for quite some time, until I know them rather well. It isn’t necessary to find like-minds, but it would be nice and FUN!
THURSDAY – A MAGICAL, PROFOUND OCCURANCE
Sparrowhawk Medicine. The art of focusing on one’s highest objectives, filtering out all negativity that could lead to a drain of one’s precious energy.
Many things you want are already in your grasp, but distractions must be eliminated to see into the hidden, secret realms of the secret world. Once distractions are eliminated, perception is amplified.
Diligent practice. Wisdom, once applied to what we practice, becomes what we become. (Ritual creates reality. Focus creates amplification of observation and output).
The thing that causes terror is overstimulation. Take Death, for example. Death cannot terrify you when you are distracted because what causes terror always is caused by something overly stimulating to our awareness. The less aware of something you are, the less you are disturbed by the thing. It’s super good to go relax, and play games. Read online and fuck around. Enjoy good food and long walks. Delicious music. Find things to do because they are just as profound as fear and take just as much of your time as shivering in the closet.
My hands still smell like the inside of the rubber gloves I wore to clean out the old man’s boxes. He’s moving out of the yellow-lit, cinderblock painted room of his one-bedroom apartment at the Silvercrest Senior Housing he’d acquired for himself one distant month ago. He’s moving into a place (not a space) that has the warm energy that wafts off of natural-born healers and really-good-mother’s shoulders. It’s hard to explain, but it’s good.
A life lived in, that’s what you want. Yes, bucket lists are great and fun. Having a little fun in life every possible day is important. But, the most important is
I want to fill in my sketchbook journal like I always wanted to: to fill it up with stickers, notes, sketches, diagrams, plans. Small joys and good food, logged. Music, upheld.
We went for a hike yesterday on Healing Trail and Adam told me a band I love, Heilung means “healing”. I love that, I didn’t know that. We had a really good walk and I’m glad I pushed myself past the point of feeling tired and went all the way into the desert past all the sights and tracks of the people who stopped and turned back. I wanted to just keep walking on and on into it. I want to walk all the way in until I’m shaking from weakness; I want to walk that far into it and then sit with my bottle of water. The zipper on my pack making a raucous noise in the silent snowfield of the desert. My golden landscape and the depth of the universe above me. Nothing coming, nothing going. Just an illusion caused by the spinning of the Earth.
I want to laugh at the thought of how much sincere and beautiful joy I have felt in my life thus far.
I don’t know what to say. I know inspiration will come soon. I just have to wait, because that’s how it always goes: from calm, to joy, to peace, to fear and then doing some other loops. I don’t think I would trade the intensity for boring but calm, I really don’t think I would but gosh would I get better at going through waves. It’s not that I am a bad swimmer, it’s that I’ve got limited lung capacity due to not ever holding my breath.