Change happens in the desert over a slow period of time. Most of it goes unnoticed by anyone except for the raptors because they are always looking for changes.
There’s time for everything. Sit back. Relax and just take it all in. You are loved and there’s time for everything. In the end, you’ll be satisfied.
I’m interested in the people at work. That’s pretty cool.
A client sent me a gift from Amazon at work! I was super embarrassed and…afraid. I had anxiety. But I tried to let myself enjoy it. It’s a gift meant to make me feel appreciated for being kind or positive, or genuinely appreciated otherwise in some way. Gifts give me anxiety, I think, because I feel I can never make a mistake again. That a gift is a supreme sacrifice of an Other (it isn’t) and that they are signifying an expectation of the way things will be in exchange for items (fuck that shit). Either way, I can know that’s what a gift means to me. I can’t know what it means to the other person. Not really. To understand the meaning behind a message is the responsibility of the gifter, not the receiver. Is that true?
“If you just relax and enjoy the show, the dream of reality, the mystery of life. If you just step back from what you think you are, and let the fire of your soul touch the light of God, you’ll be blessed with pure enjoyment”. –u/core_de_roma
Yes, Jen. Relax and enjoy the show.
A surprising aspect of my job that I enjoy and find empowering is when I help the cranky old people. I have a different perspective than I used to about them. They used to utterly piss me off and disappoint me with their seeming meanness. But now I see them as defensive, pissed-off (because: world, disappointments), but also see them as people who have endured decades of loss and confusion. I see them as people who have probably done unbelievably difficult and sad things and have endured as best they can with what they have been shaped to be by outside forces. For some, the best they can be is ordered and diligently careful. I have found (immediately, from Day 1 at the New Job) that to speak to them with kindness, and also with patience shown through slowed speech and thoughtful listening, that they respond with an outpour of … sincerely appreciative connection. They soften immediately. They are able to take in more of what I am saying. They feel my love and care for them and something falls away from them, like a heavy rug that was wrapped around them. They seem to have more awareness and an ability to absorb the moment as a positive exchange of community, inclusion, mutual care and appreciation (after all, we are both appreciative of cooperating). It has been extremely rewarding to me, emotionally, that I can make a warm place in a cold world for someone else in the moment. Extremely gratifying. It grants me permission to self-love, not gonna lie; Because, that is real power, to be able to enhance spirit and life through attention and invisible means, and with no loss of supply or energy, really. In fact, it is itself energizing and uplifting.
I sometimes want to write letters to people, to tell them what I really think. I want to tell the girl at the Wendy’s drive through with the blue butterfly on a blue rose tattoo on her arm that she is her mom’s hero, but also that her mom, already half-gone is forever inside her world because she’s forever inside her. So young to have a mother so sadly debilitated by early-onset Alzheimer’s…I’m still going to think on this one. I feel I need to tell her something and maybe I will figure it out. Maybe she will think I’m nuts, but I don’t think so. I saw the depths of sadness shadowing her visage the first time. I felt “The South” in her before she spoke, telling me my total for the crispy chicken sandwich and diet pepsi (or coke?). I saw that blue-tinged butterfly atop the wonky rose and I knew: mama. But so young? Yes. So young to see someone so needed by her forget who she is or was; to be unable to give the gold inside her to someone who cherishes it so. Poor baby. All I could say was, “You know, I can feel it, honey.” To acknowledge what must feel so …such a lonely burden of loss. Sometimes I wish I had better direction to know what to do. Why don’t I? Because you don’t even try to meditate or sit in silence in the morning to wait for it. You music-blasting, news-reading, drama-queen idiot. LOL You spend your time suspiring into the wind and then writing about it here. BUT, I do now know that blue butterflies mean mother. White butterflies mean husbands, I think. Will need to test them both further. Cats mean a message is coming. Houses describe a person’s perspective of taking care of self (needs).
50 cases of Covid at the workplace I just left behind…wow. Nobody’s died so that’s good.
As I’m getting to know my new coworkers, I find I like them a lot, but the drama is there and I want to handle these other humans as best I can. I know I’m working on a series of challenges loooooong running in my life (challenges, not problems), thematically-speaking. Same shit, different setting, different decade; but with much better perspective (deeper, by a lot). I’m going to get older here at this place. It may be my last job (a big deal) and this last kind of thing, so I want it to be really good. I want to go out on a high-note. I know that’s so fucking morbid, but why else do I have this urgency to create a LOT of influence on the world right now? It feels good, it feels right, it feels incredibly important. A small world I have to (need to want to) live in for a bit? Other people and my effect on them. I feel like a bit of a creep saying such things, but being truthful is so crucial to growth, my growth. And my growth has become something. No, not “something”, the only thing worth living for.
What do I miss from my old life? The twilights. The warmth of summer nights. Being outside at a bbq. People celebrating life. Young people. Hopeful people.
Good night. I hope you do well tomorrow and feel good about it all at the end of the day. At twilight to be exact.