Relax. Enjoy The Show.

Change happens in the desert over a slow period of time. Most of it goes unnoticed by anyone except for the raptors because they are always looking for changes.

We went to this place in the desert where people go to shoot their guns at objects they bring with them. It is now off-limits and has become federally protected land (Dinosaur bones here in the area, so they say, though I’ve never seen any around here).

There’s time for everything. Sit back. Relax and just take it all in. You are loved and there’s time for everything. In the end, you’ll be satisfied.

A Bathtub Time Conversation. 3-4 weeks in to my new life.

I’m interested in the people at work. That’s pretty cool.

A client sent me a gift from Amazon at work! I was super embarrassed and…afraid. I had anxiety. But I tried to let myself enjoy it. It’s a gift meant to make me feel appreciated for being kind or positive, or genuinely appreciated otherwise in some way. Gifts give me anxiety, I think, because I feel I can never make a mistake again. That a gift is a supreme sacrifice of an Other (it isn’t) and that they are signifying an expectation of the way things will be in exchange for items (fuck that shit). Either way, I can know that’s what a gift means to me. I can’t know what it means to the other person. Not really. To understand the meaning behind a message is the responsibility of the gifter, not the receiver. Is that true?

This looks like it has a filter on it, but doesn’t. I love the way the lattice looks. So strange in the camera.

If you just relax and enjoy the show, the dream of reality, the mystery of life. If you just step back from what you think you are, and let the fire of your soul touch the light of God, you’ll be blessed with pure enjoyment”.u/core_de_roma

Yes, Jen. Relax and enjoy the show.

A surprising aspect of my job that I enjoy and find empowering is when I help the cranky old people. I have a different perspective than I used to about them. They used to utterly piss me off and disappoint me with their seeming meanness. But now I see them as defensive, pissed-off (because: world, disappointments), but also see them as people who have endured decades of loss and confusion. I see them as people who have probably done unbelievably difficult and sad things and have endured as best they can with what they have been shaped to be by outside forces. For some, the best they can be is ordered and diligently careful. I have found (immediately, from Day 1 at the New Job) that to speak to them with kindness, and also with patience shown through slowed speech and thoughtful listening, that they respond with an outpour of … sincerely appreciative connection. They soften immediately. They are able to take in more of what I am saying. They feel my love and care for them and something falls away from them, like a heavy rug that was wrapped around them. They seem to have more awareness and an ability to absorb the moment as a positive exchange of community, inclusion, mutual care and appreciation (after all, we are both appreciative of cooperating). It has been extremely rewarding to me, emotionally, that I can make a warm place in a cold world for someone else in the moment. Extremely gratifying. It grants me permission to self-love, not gonna lie; Because, that is real power, to be able to enhance spirit and life through attention and invisible means, and with no loss of supply or energy, really. In fact, it is itself energizing and uplifting.

I sometimes want to write letters to people, to tell them what I really think. I want to tell the girl at the Wendy’s drive through with the blue butterfly on a blue rose tattoo on her arm that she is her mom’s hero, but also that her mom, already half-gone is forever inside her world because she’s forever inside her. So young to have a mother so sadly debilitated by early-onset Alzheimer’s…I’m still going to think on this one. I feel I need to tell her something and maybe I will figure it out. Maybe she will think I’m nuts, but I don’t think so. I saw the depths of sadness shadowing her visage the first time. I felt “The South” in her before she spoke, telling me my total for the crispy chicken sandwich and diet pepsi (or coke?). I saw that blue-tinged butterfly atop the wonky rose and I knew: mama. But so young? Yes. So young to see someone so needed by her forget who she is or was; to be unable to give the gold inside her to someone who cherishes it so. Poor baby. All I could say was, “You know, I can feel it, honey.” To acknowledge what must feel so …such a lonely burden of loss. Sometimes I wish I had better direction to know what to do. Why don’t I? Because you don’t even try to meditate or sit in silence in the morning to wait for it. You music-blasting, news-reading, drama-queen idiot. LOL You spend your time suspiring into the wind and then writing about it here. BUT, I do now know that blue butterflies mean mother. White butterflies mean husbands, I think. Will need to test them both further. Cats mean a message is coming. Houses describe a person’s perspective of taking care of self (needs).

50 cases of Covid at the workplace I just left behind…wow. Nobody’s died so that’s good.

As I’m getting to know my new coworkers, I find I like them a lot, but the drama is there and I want to handle these other humans as best I can. I know I’m working on a series of challenges loooooong running in my life (challenges, not problems), thematically-speaking. Same shit, different setting, different decade; but with much better perspective (deeper, by a lot). I’m going to get older here at this place. It may be my last job (a big deal) and this last kind of thing, so I want it to be really good. I want to go out on a high-note. I know that’s so fucking morbid, but why else do I have this urgency to create a LOT of influence on the world right now? It feels good, it feels right, it feels incredibly important. A small world I have to (need to want to) live in for a bit? Other people and my effect on them. I feel like a bit of a creep saying such things, but being truthful is so crucial to growth, my growth. And my growth has become something. No, not “something”, the only thing worth living for.

From 2010?

What do I miss from my old life? The twilights. The warmth of summer nights. Being outside at a bbq. People celebrating life. Young people. Hopeful people.

Good night. I hope you do well tomorrow and feel good about it all at the end of the day. At twilight to be exact.

The Way It Is: You are both slave and master to your mind. Zero, yet All.

You’ve got the power to change your mind, and it’s crucial that you do; for you will be a slave to your mind. You will, in each split second not directly commanded, be on Auto Pilot. You will convince yourself through your actions and applications ONLY, and not through constant, repetitious thoughts of the dream of changing. Dreams are where possibilities and truths are born free and wild, and generally in your conscious favor: to embed. But some things buried as seed, whether intentional or not, are growing – having been buried away from the light of awareness and continuous re-action.

Hyacinthe Adam brought us home today. How cool and beautiful! It has to be turned 45 degrees everyday so it remains balanced vertically as it grows, always leaning toward the sun. Can’t wait to watch it grow and BLOOM! When it’s done and gone, this is going to make a great jar for brushes.

I think I can re-work and improve on some of my art and hone better craftsmanship skills (not the priority, however…)

Hmm. What are the priorities right now? Life is so new to me. This…life is fucking crayyyyyyzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzeeeeeeeeeee-e-e-ee-ee-eeeee. Here I am, the same being, but hardly recognizing anything because of how much things change and have changed. I’m the same person, but not at all…or is any of that true? I work so hard, and talk to so many people. I feel huge bands of power coming out of me and through the space we occupy. The waves of energy (all power. All weild power). Everyone pushing, leaking, vomiting, irradiating, radiant and outward as an angel’s welcome-home.

Tired, and will start again tomorrow. lol some people work this hard for years and I have, too. But I feel like this is a new kind of work. A new kind of home, but that’s so strange that everything changes and changed. Wow. Like they say, “life is a ride”. Anyway, I’ve got to go to my lovely bed.

Wednesday, 9pm

We cannot act to align with our stars, we just do. We just do.

I may need to publish every day now, for a while. It might be the healthy thing to do. A small, something-creative, to cut a hole into the side of this daily-grind kind of Olympics I have gotten myself into. Today, I, laughing, shaking my head, said, “fuck this shit, god”. Sometimes, I hate it here.

But, hey. At least I got to take my own picture.

Deja Vu + Other Psychic Happenings & A Big Art Dump

The Deja Vu. They are not common for me, the ones with intense significance, where I recognize the situation from a dream. The very interesting difference with this one is that the dream was very dream-like and symbolic, unlike “normal” deja vu’s that are more like “having seen this situation occur in a past dreaming-state”. This one required interpretation, and it’s timing was right for me to take it seriously and really think about how to “handle” it. Very, very interesting. Also unusual was how I tripped out during the deja vu. I was dizzy, almost having to try to stay in the present moment rather than slipping into …almost like falling asleep. It happened while I was at work. It lasted a long time for a deja vu. Very weird. Very helpful. I feel like I have a conscious, accessible, do-able task for myself that I know will improve the quality of my life and self-fulfillment. Wow.

So much to go through and post. Super fun seeing again and I enjoy posting them, for sure. If the artwork’s too crappy, I won’t post it, but almost everything else, yes. There’s some funny stuff, too. I love to appreciate my own work after not seeing it for a long time. Sometimes, I don’t end on good terms with my own drawings and paintings. I used to be ashamed of some things. But now, I see that these things are precious for ever having been created at all.

See the starry, dissolved effects in the paint above? That is the effect of using salt on damp paint. There is a trick to using not too much water in the paint, or letting some of it evaporate off before salting. Too much water and the salt will dilute enough to cause it to bond with the paper. It’s a fabulous effect. I used it here on my new-then watercolors, made with honey as a binder. And on my new-then pads of watercolor paper, bonded together with glue at the edges so you don’t have to tape down all the edges or stretch the paper. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I hate the set-up process of painting!

The box o’ art I need to go through. Won’t post all of it, but I want to archive most of it here. I’m glad I kept it all.

As I picked this up to see it, both Captain’s Shadow and the prism rainbow were cast upon it. I was delighted. 🙂 It made everything perfect. Relevant. Beautiful. fun. ❤
My buddy. ❤
My brothers and I on a piano bench, in our home in Hawaii. Technically Honolulu, but very Aiea. About 2-3 miles from Pearl Harbor. I love this pic of us. The color is quite off in this photo, though. For example, the carpet is forest-green, my dress was browner, the walls were almost mint green. My brothers were blonde, with no auburn highlights. We all have a spray of freckles over our cheeks and noses from so much sun. 🙂 The scar on my chin is still visible from an accident a year or two before. FACTS.

There’s more, and I’ll post that later. I think more here would be too much. It’s been fun. I wonder if when I’ve gone through it all and posted what I want to, if I will enjoy the emptyness of having done that. Like, maybe I’ll feel open and free to create some new things with more current relevence. If so, how different will the work be? I feel like instead of taking a more complicated direction, I will take a more spontaneous, looser direction and just not worry so much about anything. Lots of these little pieces reflect that anyway, but I would like to recover a sense that artmaking is just a way to relax and unbundle my mind.

I’m doing great at work. Have made myself valuable and reliable and resilient. I am on a 12 hour set of days this next week and we’ll see how I do. I may really like it. As long as it’s busy, I sort of have found I thrive on the “panic” of things and it is helping me learn the job. I have had to stand my ground on the amount of days I’m wanted there, however. I have made it clear what I do not like. With only one significant demand, I’m a very flexible One who is highly cooperative. I have found that I truly am an amazing coworker and employee. Yes, they are lucky to have me. Making myself that way increases my quality of life, without a doubt. I love bringing good things to others through my work.

Oh! A fascinating psychic time at work. I’m on the phone with a new client. We take info to enter it into the system before they arrive so the welcome is smooth upon arrival. I ask the gentleman his last name (had good vibes somehow coming from him, too. I wonder of that doesn’t have something to do with it). I know it just before he says it. I am amused and pleased. Then, even before I ask him his first name, I know (this is what’s called claircognizance) it is ‘Christian’. I ask. He hesitates for the splittest of seconds and says, “Chris”. I didn’t not ask if it was short for Xtian, but I don’t need to ask. I already know. So. Cool. Just open channels? Cooperation? Like-minds? I really wonder. I’ll never know. I’ll never tell this person. These secrets are mine to keep and wonder about.

The music situation is still highly repetitive, but I am now very much enjoying the upward spiral I see it has become. So much Peter Murphy and Daniel Cavanagh and Lo Moon. Gorgeous music.

And that is all.

Wait, I DO have a song. I’m not sure, I don’t have the musical vocabulary to express it, but in this one, there’s something I love about the way it is produced. Tantilizing.