Upright Hierophant

2021 New Year Spread
Watching this smoke…<3

Today, a surprise whole day off, alone, under very grey skies (really, really may rain). Thank god I’m enjoying it. Typical for how I roll, yesterday Adam left the house to go be with people and the timing was perfect so I could walk, sit, lay, and wander around in my state of despair. I cried when I could, letting each wave come at me like a knife, hopeful that each cut could would slash a larger hole in my swollen, weary heart; (Later, when Adam came home and we were hanging out, he said “Are you ok? You look like Darth Vadar when they take his helmet off at the end”. That was fucking funny and I’m still laughing about it! We both had a good laugh. 🙂

Punishing me for existing beyond the confines of my comfy walls. The thing that makes it devastating is that the delustion at the time that this is a very real reality “this is it. This is the truth of my life. This is reality and it is how it was, is, and shall be. I now know the Truth“. It feels like a wake-up call to an extremely negative and empty reality, but that’s the non-sense, but I don’t know that, and that’s why, folks, it’s a nightmare and it’s dangerous to my sense of self and safety.

NEXT DAY.

When I woke up today, after Adam kissed me on the forehead before he left early for work (as usual), and after Captain then kissed me and stuck his little wake-up claw in my chin, it was and is a whole new day. (This is the craziest sentence you’ve ever written, Jen, you fucking retard). XD

Speaking of dreams, this morning’s was: I dreamed of intersecting with an old art teacher who was still teaching in a school I was, like I said, intersecting somehow in the dream. He was a kind of comfort, and welcoming to me to come be in that life, a creative and social life. He didn’t just remember me, but it was like he wanted to continue having me in his world and him being in my world I guess, too. I was extremely nervous and unsure of who the fuck I was in the world and I wanted to run, to end this social pressure, but somehow was unable to. Like, I had to be here right now. I was dreading the future in every way. Disturbed and upset about having to make choices and be involved.

Other people terrify me. It’s profound stuff, these simple recurrent themes. The sadness and anxiety of a combination of time passing, opportunities lost and no real idea of anything I want to do except be a good thing for the people in my life. I guess that’s where I need to let my anxieties (try anyway) fall away, if possible. It’s my only job here. My only job is to gently help and willingly assist whomever comes my way and is in my path.

I’m old enough to be the mother of grown-ups now. Mothers are involved, however, and I definitely do not wish to be anyone’s mother, though I do like being a source of comfort and a supportive listener as I pass people in the clouds. That’s all. Most days now, I cannot wait for this to end. I have 10 years left and I can’t believe it is coming to an end, but it’s true. I absolutely cry at the thought of having done a shit job and having been so sad so often. I really feel like I failed the hard parts, but don’t know if I could have done any better. I think I did try my best. I’m going to try my very best to both relax and do well in this next decade. The last 10 years went by so quickly, it seems, but I know that isn’t quite the case. I want all that I have remaining to be full of beauty and love and positive xp’s. I don’t even care to travel anymore, but I want to go more frequently to see my family. I want to see the Pacific NW. I want to go to DLand with Adam a few more times! See Death Valley. Go to Sedona once more. I want more rocks and crystals, and feathers. I want to make some staffs out of the sticks I have collected (not a ton, but a few). Charge them up through the making of them. Like life itself, like all relationship. Life is entirely about relationship – no exceptions.

You know what? Yesterday was just intense, and I’m a little traumatized from it, and I’m trying to put some order to my shaken world. That…is what this is.

Upright Hierophant (Jan. 28)

The Hierophant card represents an established set of spiritual values and beliefs and is often correlated with religion and other formal doctrines. Before you can discover your own belief systems and make your own choices (as associated with the next card, the Lovers), the Hierophant encourages you to learn the fundamental principles from a trusted source.

Work with a teacher, mentor, or guide to teach you about spiritual values and beliefs in a structured way. He may be an authority or a kind and generous mentor who nurtures your spiritual awareness and helps you access the Divine by understanding the traditions and core principles. You may also undertake a period of formal study as you delve into a subject that has been widely explored and documented.

If you have already mastered a particular field of study, you may be taking on the role of teacher and mentor to others. In this position, you honour and acknowledge your responsibility to share your knowledge in a structured way, one that respects the age-old traditions.

The Hierophant‘s arrival suggests you are following convention and staying within the bounds of a ‘tried and tested’ model. You are not yet willing to go out on a limb or offer any new and innovative ideas. Instead, you adhere to the key principles and rules that you know will lead to a successful result.

The Hierophant may call you to honour family traditions or sacred rituals that sit neglected. You are being asked to commit to spiritual practice in its most wholesome form – no customisation, no adaptation, no bending the rules. If you have been lacking ritual and tradition, create a regular practice such as daily prayer or saying grace before a meal. Consider exploring your spiritual or religious heritage.

The Hierophant Tarot card often speaks to group membership or being part of an institution. You may enjoy a deep sense of comfort being surrounded by people who have well-established belief systems and explicit values. Finding them may be as significant as exploring a new church or religious group, or as simple as joining a gym or online Tarot community. This card is about identifying with others and a way of thinking that will prompt further learning.

Source: https://www.biddytarot.com/tarot-card-meanings/major-arcana/hierophant/

So true! I am filled with joy. ❤

I’ve been through a lot this week! I feel like I’m an amazing, yet retarded person. I am proud of myself for not quitting, for keep-go. It has been INTENSE!! This is the hardest part and in a couple of weeks, probably, I’ll be through almost all of it. Maybe a month.

You know what should be everywhere? Comfy chairs, couches and sedans.

I think I should be allowed to say things like, “fuck you, mutha-fuckah” in my head, and mean it in a way, but it still be fine because of how fucking cool I am too people all day. There has to be some balance and to also remember that people are human beings, which means they constantly from from what inner world to another and that makes them behave bothersomely.

I get a lot more out of living at a higher level, closer to surrender to Fate because it isn’t in our hands really at all, now is it? It’s in no one’s hands. It’s something long ago set into motion and it’s fate is our fate, too.

The Last Day of January

I am not ready to publish this yet. But I will because 1. I want to move past it, and 2. I don’t want you to feel sad or disappointed.

It’s going to be a very busy week. One of the most intense in a long time. I have to remain and practice positivism.

I am sorry to not have left a better post.

Not gonna check. Not gonna edit.

GOOD-BYE CRUEL!!

Someone I like and know at work was talking to me about their past trauma in the middle of their adulthood. I took notes afterward because I was compelled by his story and my understanding of it. This was in a notebook and probably discussed in 2018 or 19 with him, but I took a picture of the page in April of 2020. (Maybe someday I’ll be grateful for the context of this entry, eh? Afterall, I kept trying to figure out what JR meant at the top. Then I remembered this wasn’t about me or for me. Yet, of course it is always about me and eventually for me).

The way the light bounced around in side this deeply dark violet crystal. It always looks near-black and I’ve never seen it so glowy before.
This weekend I arranged some subtle magic by creating altars, arranging foci, triangulating and intuiting feng-shui.

With my drum I disrupt the still energies inside the material confines of the walls of my home and body, too. When I dust the house and objects, I clear space for fresh movement and renewed spirit to act. Where dust settles, there is work to do; physically and mentally.

This legit made me cry, it is one of the sweetest things I’ve ever seen. I hope this link lasts forever:

In Brazil, it is considered a great honor to receive the first slice of birthday cake. This kind of open-heartedness. WTF is wrong with us? This is missing in the world. There should be a lot more of it, but we get sick. We get really sick.

I just feel lit up inside when I talk to my brother, Dave, in a way that makes me feel safe, peaceful, excited, happy, energized, and loved. I’m so glad I got to have a brother like Dave. Long live Dave! He was the definitely my first friend and I’ve never not known him. People can replace love, but some relationships can never be replaced because of the special harmony and resonance. It’s funny, I think what me and Dave share deeply is our sense of humor about it all.

Right Now, 1/19/21. My music is in a strange, numbing recycling of sound right now. What does this mean? It happens, in life it has happened many times, but what it prophesizes…I do not remember.

It’s Tuesday, but it feels like 1942.

My neighbor’s got a food delivery. I wonder how lonely and unloved some people must feel, but they’ve just got to be loved. How many unloved-by-anyone people are there out there? Like, literally the people who are loved by NO LIVING PERSON. The thought fills me with despair and a feeling of powerlessness. I hate thinking about other people, but it’s all I ever think about.

I feel like it’s been a long time since I’ve been out in the desert and enjoyed the shit out of it. It’s like my soul isn’t really with me – yikes, I feel very upset thinking that statement, but that is how confused I am about it. Winter just began, and it feels so barren and wide, like a parking lot, old and crumbling, crawling with that grass that grows better the worse you treat it. Not crabgrass, the other one that spreads like a spiderweb. Once you get it, you will never get rid of it.

Where was I.

I just danced to this and I feel better. Dancing makes me feel better. In another life, I would like to be a dancer, one who’s practiced since she was a child (born, of course, as a child who loves dancing as an art-form).

Jen,

I am afraid, too. I see in myself the spaces filled by chaos and the places like islands over time, once there now gone. Taken out, swallowed up by the waves of a few large storms. So fragile are we. Seeing it is like looking into something so creepily like an abyss, but quick in time, like a meteor burning as it enters the atmosphere. Here, then gone. Beautiful and bright, and then a remembrance with only a hint of sensation. Gone.

My love is a swamp. It isn’t very deep but it does go on forever.

I will start using different backgrounds besides the red peacock table cloth from here on. I think I’d like some variety in the behind-the-scenes-of-subject-matter’s.

Coffee and dancing. Need more frequency of.

So far, 2021 is extraordinarily creepy. I feel like it is like walking in a strange dream on the edge of a foggy nightmare. Everything is fine, it’s just scary, strange, and I’m not so sure about any specific kind of outcome. I kind of want to get hit by a truck, but the thought of peeps crying hard at my graveside make me reconsider. Ok, god, I’ll stick it out. Fuck you.

profound change begins today.

The dawn is beautiful, here I sit. I came to say good-bye after long thinking of ending this blog and ‘Jen Crow’, not my real name, not anything other than a pseudonym. A mask to wear so I can feel like I am in the world but still private and protected. But this is the name I chose and once upon a time it made sense.

I decided after long thinking, as I said, to come here and say good-bye and restart an older blog whose name, Sacred Desert, denotes an emptyness I feel a great expansive comfort in. But I opened this silly art-dump, thought-run-on’s up and there’s just too much unfinished here. I had a goal of posting all of my artworks that are in boxes and sketchbooks, and I haven’t finished that at all. After all, this blog is a place of safe storage that doesn’t require a password. Someday, someone will find it, perhaps me in some future incarnation; and, I will feel a strange, inexplicable pull toward this unexplainable connection, the non-sense ringing bells, etc.

So, why profoundly changing today? Yesterday was, in a way, the last day of a kind of life I’ve been living for many years. Today begins something absolutely unknown to me. Moving on, for sure, in a huge way. Must keep head up, must move on.

What I’m looking forward to the most is being altered by the beingness of other people. The risk, obviously, is that it will be intense for me. Possibly negative and if that is the case, I will have to decide if I am the rock or if I am floating. Aha, I’ve had an epiphany: I definitely want to be the floater. I’ve been a rock too fucking long and though I’ve been smoothed down and no part of me has been weakened, I am smaller for it. Fine, for I am now a polished stone, and gazing upon myself I now see more easily into myself, and smaller, refined, simpler, maybe…I am more beautiful? No, not more beautiful…I don’t know. I’m just not done. Just not done here.

I love you so much Bonnie, Tonya; even you, Vickie.

Charles and Joseph, I know I didn’t say good-bye. I will write you all a letter to let you know how much I appreciate your beautiful souls. I will paint a watercolor rainbow on a blank card and you’ll know I really care about you.

Lt. Q, I too regret the work friendship we surely would have had. Though I think your religious and conspiracy theories are insane, I just dig you and I think we should go to Plantworld together. You would love it, just like I said. You’ll think it’s peaceful, beautiful, and amazing. I think it’s really cool you gave cats a try and are delighted by them. You saved a couple cats, too. You are an interesting baseball-bat of a person.

Ok then. Off to my new life. I feel very good about this. VERY! 😀

I have a box of artworks next to me. I’m going to work on posting that so I can put it away and free up space for my physical journals. I need a small table right here. I’m going to go thrift-store hunt for one very soon! That will be fun! Writing that down now.

2021 Watercolor & Audio Journaling – A Combination of Styles

I’m doing a new daily journaling style. Basically it’s a line-less, sketchbook in which one can apply watercolors. It’s a challenge to do this. I had it more straight-line with only basically rounded-out headliners. Surely I’ve posted snaps of that journal (which I loved doing and having very much. It was a big comforting daily ritual. This 2021 stuff is much less confined but it’s scary to think of “ruining things” because art is involved. This is insane thinking and I know it…

Monday. Time to find newness. Time to find new things to hope for, and surprises and earnings and gifts. Time, also, to be challenged in ways you’ve never been challenged before. You can do this. You want to be better. You can be better, and you WILL BE BETTER. You will have sunshine inside you again (promise). It’s the promise of every Ending. The way you are now will end when you become renewed, but enough of you remains to remember. Someone scraped the bottom of her grinder and found a blessing during hard times in the form of one last keef-y bowl.

THE PRIEST WHO DIED This priest who died, had an NDE and reported on it in an interview I watched, he said “the bible is a crutch. It helps people cope with life when otherwise they cannot. They are broken and they need a crutch until they don’t”. That is what I remembered and I remembered also that these people I work with, they are broken. They are limited. They are as limited as me but perhaps less intelligent. The interesting and beautiful thing is, he remained a priest. He was literally here to heal people within their culture (church, bible, etc) using their tools, and their language to guide them through the chaos of being soul-possessed monkeys (which I believe we are). He was even open about his belief and NDE experience. I am happy and relieved he gets to keep his job. People like him, who accept and understand others are true bridges and great teachers. Openness is critical to growth and helping people in general.

I’m making a new way of journaling. Shit, did I say this already elsewhere? Here below are some things newly entered. The yellow Owl and random thoughts are from today, 1/5/21. The dark owl with black ink squaggles and outlined is yesterday. Owl is my go-to for just opening the door to drawing or painting. It is the the door wedge. I can do an owl. I can handle and owl. Owl is wise and brings me messages through the door, besides.

***

TUESDAY. My sense of humor is a gift I am grateful for. Nature and nurture gifted me on that one. I grew up in a family that has a great sense of humor, regardless if it is sometimes over-the-top and occasionally insensitive.

The prism light hit the paper, the rainbow gave me an idea…<3

Released Too Soon In The Wild

Released in to the wild too soon, was she. Her fur soft, but thinly. Her small body, perfect but fragile. Her heart was a hollow filled up with bees. But in that hollow once bees bumped and bounced, was now filled with honey. A bee’s nest of delight. She lifted the golden dew and held it above her like the sun. Above her head, with lowered eyes, she cast the light on e’eryone.

I want to have the equipment and skills for aging, as well as going into the problems of middle age, the Long Autumn. I want to help bring the truths of beauty into the world, not the truths of brutality. Not proofs of separateness. Everyone already knows about the separate but connectedness of life. (Those who don’t suffer). What about the beauty of being cared for? Who would I want that taken away from? Nobody.

I am hoping we get some rain this year.

Remember that red-skinned apples are medicine to you. They will sing inside you when you eat them. Let them in.

WEDNESDAY:

Oh my gosh today was gooooood. I went to an interview. I was so unhappy about having to go. WHAT is more stressful?! But, I enjoyed the drive up there, without music, just the commanding voice of Google Maps Lady telling me when to turn right, etc.

Later that day…I GOT IT! I GOT THE JOB! MY FIRST INTERVIEW, MY FIRST TRY AND I GOT IT! lol I am soooooo happy and nervous about being the new girl.

The man I will be working for…he is an open heart. He has compassion. He is attuned to certain things. I read him very, very well and I think I may be in good company (though professional. I am not currently shopping for friends, especially not at a new job). It’s possible I could be free here. Intellectually, spiritually. Coming from a place of total suppression, being a kind of secret witch, it makes one a bit of a hermit of the heart. I also know to be extremely careful and shut-mouthed for quite some time, until I know them rather well. It isn’t necessary to find like-minds, but it would be nice and FUN!

THURSDAY – A MAGICAL, PROFOUND OCCURANCE

Sparrowhawk Medicine. The art of focusing on one’s highest objectives, filtering out all negativity that could lead to a drain of one’s precious energy.

Many things you want are already in your grasp, but distractions must be eliminated to see into the hidden, secret realms of the secret world. Once distractions are eliminated, perception is amplified.

Diligent practice. Wisdom, once applied to what we practice, becomes what we become. (Ritual creates reality. Focus creates amplification of observation and output).

Here’s the link to the site I gleaned this info from: https://www.universeofsymbolism.com/sparrowhawk-symbolism.html

Take Death, For Example.

I took all these pictures because I was going to give it away. I am NOT GIVING IT AWAY. No one will ever love her the way I will when I open her up and look at her for the first time in years. I wish they would, but they won’t. So many wonderful things too re-see.

The thing that causes terror is overstimulation. Take Death, for example. Death cannot terrify you when you are distracted because what causes terror always is caused by something overly stimulating to our awareness. The less aware of something you are, the less you are disturbed by the thing. It’s super good to go relax, and play games. Read online and fuck around. Enjoy good food and long walks. Delicious music. Find things to do because they are just as profound as fear and take just as much of your time as shivering in the closet.

***

My hands still smell like the inside of the rubber gloves I wore to clean out the old man’s boxes. He’s moving out of the yellow-lit, cinderblock painted room of his one-bedroom apartment at the Silvercrest Senior Housing he’d acquired for himself one distant month ago. He’s moving into a place (not a space) that has the warm energy that wafts off of natural-born healers and really-good-mother’s shoulders. It’s hard to explain, but it’s good.

A life lived in, that’s what you want. Yes, bucket lists are great and fun. Having a little fun in life every possible day is important. But, the most important is

I want to fill in my sketchbook journal like I always wanted to: to fill it up with stickers, notes, sketches, diagrams, plans. Small joys and good food, logged. Music, upheld.

I feel you. I know when you are there. I do feel you.

We went for a hike yesterday on Healing Trail and Adam told me a band I love, Heilung means “healing”. I love that, I didn’t know that. We had a really good walk and I’m glad I pushed myself past the point of feeling tired and went all the way into the desert past all the sights and tracks of the people who stopped and turned back. I wanted to just keep walking on and on into it. I want to walk all the way in until I’m shaking from weakness; I want to walk that far into it and then sit with my bottle of water. The zipper on my pack making a raucous noise in the silent snowfield of the desert. My golden landscape and the depth of the universe above me. Nothing coming, nothing going. Just an illusion caused by the spinning of the Earth.

I want to laugh at the thought of how much sincere and beautiful joy I have felt in my life thus far.

I don’t know what to say. I know inspiration will come soon. I just have to wait, because that’s how it always goes: from calm, to joy, to peace, to fear and then doing some other loops. I don’t think I would trade the intensity for boring but calm, I really don’t think I would but gosh would I get better at going through waves. It’s not that I am a bad swimmer, it’s that I’ve got limited lung capacity due to not ever holding my breath.

I’m scared to start new ways of doing things.