Living in life means living with a broken, or heavy heart, always. It is in the background, or in the basement or attic, often. It is strange how one can have a happy life, simultaneously something else of the character of that of an utterly cold, ravaged, punctured, beaten part of you lives, lays.
It must be very strange to be you (me). Yes, it is.
I made these secretly, at work. I keep them in an empty chocolate box:
November has helped me to see that my colors for this time are blue and purple and purple and blue. 🙂 Amethyst, quartz, opals and iridescents, and their shadows. Many wonderful gifts and documented good times we had. Oh, I can’t forget that teal (or aqua) played a role, too. 🙂
November was a strange and beautiful month. November is my personal New Year, and it has the most astonishing magic to it. It rained on my birthday, the first in 6 months – a record for this desert. It did feel particularly special.
We saw an entire group/family of Big Horn Sheep at Valley of Fire. In fact, there were odd groupings of animals just a few days before in Lee Canyon – a pack of wild burros (omg so beautiful and cute!), a huge flock of ravens on this same trip. And, most astonishingly (same trip), a coyote – magnificent and healthy, standing with the most patience on a hill right by the road, as two crows gently harrassed it from above. Probably going after the same meal, but I have NEVER in my life seen a coyote like this in the desert. OH, and when we were in Valley of Fire, I tried talking to a crow in my best crow voice and he came to me, he flew curiously over me, and slowly came down low to me, checking me out. I was in heaven. I wonder what I was saying to him. Could he tell I loved him and in his strange animal mind did that make him feel something good or was it threatening, or merely nonsense and a curiosity he felt safe exploring? It was wild and wonderful!!!
We got so much hiking done and discovered new things this year. A lot thanks to my cousin who started her hiking life this summer. So glad, and profoundly affecting her life – I know that feeling and it made me so happy she was into it. She bought me new hiking boots and titanium walking sticks – which I love!
Pictures below: My new organite wand given to me by my pal. Angel quartz, part of gifts bestowed up on me by my love. Fall decor in our nook above the fireplace. The herd of Big Horns (hard to see, but they are all right there). Ocatillo “skeleton” covered in part by sand “clay” made by some insect to create a home – amazing never seen anything like that before. Brilliant Elaine’s card to me (young Chagall, age 3). ‘The Magician’ – the theme card of the month. Big diamond costume jewelry (pretty sure it’s not real) I found outside. Put up signs, no calls. Cake (gift) from Freed’s – omg their bakery!!!, snow, pine nuts we collected by hand one hike, new stuffy seal with the cutest tush. Adam got us an Advent Calendar for Cats!!!! It is the CUTEST THING!!! It’s already hung in the kitchen.
In short, life is a series of forks in the river, and it appears we must slide awkwardly, awfully, or sweetly, or excitedly, down into the daycare center of higher-life experiences and feelings. We are glad of the forks. Until we are not. Then, sometime after that, we are grateful for the excitement of life’s dramas which nest in us like birds in a strong old tree.
My words to myself as I hit publish and send this off into space, waiting and wondering if it will ever be intercepted by aliens or ghosts:
“Your blog sets you free of every yesterday. It shows that you own today and you honor yesterday. It ensures/insures memory. Get in it again. It belongs to you”. And yes, I enthusiastically agree with me. It’s welcomed brilliant advice and truth. I wrote it down and will cut it out and put it on my bulletin board.
I do believe this year has made me – gosh, endless changes are adjustments. It has been endlessly change-y and I have adjusted. Am adjustable. Flexible. I have to admit, the whole thing seems incredibly…awesome/amazing? Extremely weird. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced so much profound knowledge, proofs of reality and proofs of nothingness being made up of everything in such a short period of time. I’ve never experienced anything like this year at all. It’s been like being under a spell, wandering dizzily and covered in sweat in an overheated 70’s roller-skating rink while on shrooms.
It’s going to be a strange, cold Winter. But it is also the beloved time of walking in the desert, alone. I am looking forward to that. Maybe this weekend would be a perfect start.
The very first rule and fact is: You must be absolutely clear and without guilt or shame with reference to said deceased person. Note that the clearest communications in real life come without interference of past or future “feeling” (tends to be fear-based). They are not played out. They are floating upon the flow of the place of clear-heart and often expressed Honesty of a person. That flow, like a tributary, connects then to the other tributaries just by thinking about it. The brain is your Rutter; your body, the sea upon which you exert control. The Others the oxygen and the stuff you need to survive in every way imaginable.
Gotta be kind of calm in the moment. Like, real connection doesn’t come through so great during bad times unless you are actively, mutually talking about the bad times.
You Only Get To Take What Was Good (Or What You Loved With You). You ONLY take your love with you. You only can connect to it, of it, through it through Love, so it needs to be good. You have to appreciate to get to this kind of Love, so just think about how much you want to keep anything that was ever good in your life. Life ends sometimes even before it really ends, it’s true. But you can always pick up from wherever you are at in life and think of that incredible cheeseburger you had as a kid, how beautiful something was, grand or small love, you put it in your basket and you move on to the next appreciated thing (loved thing) and you don’t have to thank it, or wish it well, you just have to have loved it. Loved the girl, loved the man, loved the woman. Loved the ice-cream, loved the pizza, loved the sun while you sat at ocean’s side. Loved the soft cotton of a blanket, or something else like that, something comforting. Nachos. Loved the game. Whatever, man. Thinking about those things is key to start the process.
Sunday, November 1st: Laying out inks and paper (and plastic barriers) onto the cleaned table outside. To just brush and drop the inks and to do whatever I wish with those shapes and bleeds.
(No, that is not how today went. No it is not.)
I do love this neighborhood. I heard everything today from chickens bok-bok’ing to the variant musics. I smelled so many luscious food-scents! Bbq’ing or ?? Mexican grill smells. Corn. I even smelled pasta boiling from somewhere. Amazing. People seem really happy and alive. I think, that while most did do indoor stuff for Halloween, like, with their families and whatnot, I think people made it nice for themselves and had a bit of fun and gaiety. Gayety. And it has flowed into today, November 1st.
How do you spell it? No one will ever know. Gay-ity. Joyful fun.