Two Gin & Tonics And Some Cheese

Ancient and resilient things, resurfacing. Finding the proper and best place for it. Unsure and guilty. Cold, but immediately taking in and holding heat. So confusing. Steamer trunks full of what I care about and only one carry-on allowed. Who the fuck am I?

What an incredible month, wow! Everything changes, yes, but it’s like all the good things for the entire fucking year were saved up in feeling and a gate was opened to where I can feel it all and it is A LOT. Now, I have to be realistic and not forget that a lot of good happened this year, but the bad stuff was fukkin’ bad, and it feels rediculously overpowering of the good. The Big Good was in how I have been safely carried up to here. Up to this shoreline. I’m getting the fuck off this ship for a while and would like to stay grounded for a fucking little while, please. Lol. 🙂

Oh dear diary,

This is not a fork in the road, no decisions to be made, but a sudden sight of a bright and eerie ghost, deposited inside of the continuing dark green forest. Cast like a rainbow onto the walls into a tired and listless interior.

It is beautiful, sad, and confusing. I am sad and confused. It is beautiful. I don’t want to be a new person in a new decade. I don’t want to let go, but what alternative is there to the perpetual sadness of life? My fear is of actually succeeding in letting it all go and being forever at the bottom of some kind of human abyss. Like, maybe it is exactly what I think I need to let go of that is also serving as my climbing rope? My retractable ladder? Ok, I think maybe better to think of these things as notches – forever imbedded into the walls of my internal structures. Dream is to find that the depth doesn’t matter and the point of the darkness is nonsense because I’ll find I can fly and no “bottom” exists for me because I can naturally rise. No darkness could last so long that I couldn’t speedily flee out of.

I awake too early but enjoy the dawn. The sun rises beautifully over the trees across the street. An orange glowing orb goldening behind green leaves, casting soft white light through things. A neighborhood flock of pigeons circling silently, over there, over roof tops until they cast their shadows over my place and I hear the strange wave of air pushed out from between the tight fan of their wings when they take a turn. The gentlest impulses keeping them together, in sync.

Behind tempered glass and stucco walls, I am divided from the others who perhaps are standing in variant robes, over wet bones, looking out of their windows seeing the same beautiful things I am. Naked men and flannelled women. I want to share it. It feels natural to be alone in pain, but I don’t want to be alone in beauty.

“Bubbie”

Captain Cupcake Von Streudelboouts enjoying dawn-time with me.

May he live forever.

(This looks like an in memorium and I regret that. He’s fine and happy).

Wine & Cheese Party For Three – Saturday Afternoon

The Forest – Friday Morning

The leaves on the Aspens went from green to yellow very quickly and already they are falling. The beautiful wildflowers are turning lovely shades of wheat. Just so wonderful to be up there in the quiet. When we arrived there was only one other car.

My gin (and tonic). Not a drink lover, but this one I do love. Has botanicals including rowan berry, heather, dandelion and coul blush apple (whatever the fuck that is). Heather, wow! I think that my gin and tonic also having a good tonic water (Fever-Tree) as part of it maybe makes a difference in its quality and why I like it? But I’m not sure.

Friday night…was so interesting and lovely… A conversation made of men and myself, the tensions of the year that is 2020, the tensions of reunification, the tensions of sorrows expended and it was so strangely like a funeral for a loved one and a class reunion. I was disarmed and calm, and I laughed and laughed well. And I cried a little, too. The fabric has been torn in the storms and I have one of those older person’s sad happinesses. Drinking really is sometimes excellent and perfect medicine. Good, and all that.

I went to bed with my makeup on, feeling content and lightly buzzing. Such fresh and subtle changes but a kind of a continuation that came up from underground like an unanticipated, quiet spring. Much to think on. Trying to let go of worries that haunt my soul perpetually. Fear of pain, of future pain. I just want to live for the day. And I have, that’s the thing! That’s the part I can’t integrate well! It’s literally what I am doing! I am doing it right and have to lay the fuck off of myself! Lay the fuck off so the good can stop being usurped by the fucking worrying!!!

Only a few more days left of this strange and magical month of September. How odd, how full of every emotion and transition! Yes, posting this now. I need to make this gone and start fresh tomorrow. I can do this and I can and will acclimate.

Love above all things, always,

Jen

A Power Exchange

I looked in the mirror and I studied the angles. Slight head tilts and eye shifts to best get me through it – the day and the evening of black outlined features. Filtered for clarity, filtered for flavor, a genuine Real Me in the best light for my viewers.

I later wrecked this butterfly, but it doesn’t matter because just having put my focus on to a painting was a wonderful, fun experience (until it wasn’t, but that didn’t ruin the past of it, or ruin the whole of it as the experience. The sum did not equal the parts at all).

Half-Way And One Step Forward – NEW Marilyn Manson album, Chaos, is AMAZiNG!!
Introduced to Phoebe Bridgers. ‘Punisher’ is an incredible album. Love.
For pythoblack and his black widow.

Life On Earth

Oh my gosh the kickstarter is over and he’s sending us all a surprise! He posted this card at the bottom of the email, i sure hope the surprise he’s going to send when the deck comes out is this card or a print of it. It is absolutely my favorite visual of his, and is what got me interested in James Eads in the first place. The deck I have is already amazing and I truly somehow produce magic out of it…I’ll post pictures of everything when it comes in Early 2021.

Yesterday, I was so completely wound up and my energy was nuts. I was doing well in school and the day was just so completely gorgeous…but I was extremely anxious and I had too much energy and it was unpleasant sometimes. I can’t let these kinds of feelings inform too much of my understanding of the quality of my life. Sometimes, my body reacts like it is being put into a stranglehold when my mind is actually ok.

I became more clear about what the anxiety was about later that evening. It was because I have never been here before. In the present that was yesterday, a great deal of the happening was unexperienced by me in so many ways: this beautiful weather, the pre-fall feelings, the light coming through the trees into my home and all the colors of my home reflecting all the light and falling into shadows during a time and place, the physical place in a way that was ALL NEW to me. I had a new headspace because of all the loss and all the newness (schooling, non-working, energies coming and going into me and out of me from people I know well and people who are unknown to me – even my home was a new place). To put it simply, I was overwhelmed. All is well and I am protected and loved and safe. All I have to do is remember it. Easier said than done.

Today, I started off strangely and from a bad dream that left me feeling scared and alone. I sat to do my regular routine of coffee and computer, but knew I needed to serve myself better. So, I allowed myself to go through the emails (the synchronistic card from James Eads’ email surprise. I’m inspired to send out my own gift to someone today, even if it is poorly received that isn’t my problem), and drink my coffee, but I actively found the music I needed to lift my spirit up, to calm me. Then, I opened the door to the balcony and enjoyed the air and light (god, it’s a gorgeous day). I let it all in and let the cat out. (My bubby, he loved it as much as me). I noticed the birds in the trees and saw they were finding juicy bugs and that made me happy (I worry how the bugs are disappearing. we never see them here anymore).

I found a blog I really love! This person writes very interesting stuff, and I was laughing with joy when I saw they’d taken all these pictures in their desert and I was totally enthralled with them. Pics of garbage and dead animal and a train. I fucking loved it! A kindred spirit:

https://mmpmagicmodernizationproject.com/

I just love Fall. I just never feel as happy in life as I do in Fall. Nothing can ruin Fall for me. I am so calm, and the house can be so open. The spirit world is more present for me. Just like they say: at Halloween time (or thereabouts) the veil is thinner. And, it is! It is. I want to savor this Fall. I cannot wait to see the aspens turn golden and to be with them. I can’t wait to see pine cones on the ground, laced with the yellow feathers of trees nesting for Winter.

I love to hear the neighbors and neighborhood because the doors are all open. I love to hear the birds and the wind. The windchimes the windchimes the windchimes…Music coming in and out of windows. Pleasantries. Walkability of streets and pathways in parks. Coffee in bookshops…haven’t done that in years. Will put it on a must-do list. I feel so good and at peace. I did right by myself this morning. Music is so healing, is it not? It is the stairwell to any kind of place you want to be inside yourself. It opens doors to places you’ve never been and is the key to getting back there when you want to revisit.

This song, but it’s so beautiful, I’ve been listening to it this summer so much I need to post here to document it’s repeated use by myself and others. A solidly great message and reflection of earthly life, eh?

9/13/20 7:30pm. A very cool coincidence (or is it)!: I was walking to my mailbox when I found a quarter in the street and picked it up (it’s a fucking pandemic, I know but it it’s a fucking QuArTeR). Walk back to my place and see a bat flying about, solo! Pretty cool! Get back in my house and look at the quarter to see what year and…BATS ON IT! It’s a specialty bat quarter! Neat! The year (going to look now) is: 2020!

Far-Away Fires

Embroidery Project. I drew it directly onto the fabric.

Yesterday, the winds carried in the California Fire Skies. Of them, I had magnificent views. It was utterly spooky, the constant current of smoke-colored, ash-imbued wind all day, from dawn to the last I saw. The sun unseen still cast an orange light into the house. How strange to see evidence of some far away consuming horror. I felt for the little animals caught up in the slow rage that forever destroyed what once they knew, once had, only as of their yesterday. Burrowing animals having it better, I suppose. But what will they eat? Where will the birds go? We kill what could have sustained. We landscape and cut and kill and call it good and admire our obliteration. Call it a garden and liken it to Paradise.

Atmosphere of Ashes. Sept 7, 2020. Made for spooky ambiance, yet was too a relief from the sun’s constant presence all summer long.
This song was magic inside me as a child. Still makes me smile. It’s nice to run into these old, wonderful songs. I felt disconnected from the things I knew belonged within me and were for me and of me as a kid. I was waiting to connect with those “things”. And I did. I wonder about what else is next, upcoming? Do I feel disconnected from some mystery still? Yes, from a regular state of Joy. I think when we move someday, probably to where one of my brother’s live, that could be a thing. There’s so much in every day. I am not complaining. I think my life is interesting enough and I am healing well from my sadness and learning to live more internally, more within. The very reason I can do that is because of what others have given me. I can recall and cherish and hold on to in a way that is much more skillful and true than ever was before. Like, when someone dies, you can revisit them through the focus of the love they gave to you. Thinking of a time your soul was riding that way, though maybe you weren’t even aware of it, it exists there. Psychically, it is “love” that opens that portal and results in “knowing” though not knowing how. It is the road, not the walking, that leads you there.

If you must wait,
Wait for them here in my arms as I shake
If you must weep,
Do it right here in my bed as I sleep
If you must mourn, my love
Mourn with the moon and the stars up above
If you must mourn,
Don’t do it alone

If you must leave,
Leave as though fire burns under your feet
If you must speak,
Speak every word as though it were unique
If you must die, sweetheart
Die knowing your life was my life’s best part
If you must die,
Remember your life

You are
You are
Oh, you are
You are
Oh

If you must fight,
Fight with yourself and your thoughts in the night
If you must work,
Work to leave some part of you on this earth
If you must live, darling one,

Just live
Just live
Just live

-Keaton Henson

Thank U.

^ An entry from 2019 notebook, just talking about how much I appreciate my blog. How helpful I knew it was. Good for me.

^ The inside of a drawer in my ‘Study’.

^ My dream of a shroomnoon in the woods this Fall. Reeeeally want to do this, but I’m fearful of being alone up there (have to be alone, not something I share space in when I need it for me only, to commune with the ghosts and Great Spirit). Unsure if my fears will cause me to have a bad time (and then I’m stuck in the woods having a bad time. lol).

It is so strange to be fearful of peace. When I have real fear, I really have to go out of my way to turn my focus, myself around and face the truth that all is well and this is just a quiet space where the calm and stillness are just listening to Itself, and are being quiet in the warmth of the sun and that’s ok. It’s ok when there’s nothing to do about anything outside of what must be done.

Also, I rearranged my space and I LOVE it. SO refreshing! Also noted that this advice was found in the same notebook I was looking at this morning from last year. A funny find. A synchronistic find:

It’s fine, really. I used to feel crazy, or insatiable for wanting to rearrange things or put things away for awhile. Now I understand my needs better and try to do right by myself. I understand there is a merry-go-round inside me and I am allowed to change horses.