Virtual Picnic!

4/26/20. I’ve discovered Mary Oliver, a poet I love! I only read a few of her poems, but they are so pleasing to me, and resonate so beautifully. I feel like she’s a kindred spirit and so happy she did this work and that it could become beautiful satisfaction for me, at no charge.

I found this wonderful journal page on reddit that someone made with rubber-stamp letters. Loved that, too. I’m going to do a version of it.

I believe that Other World is there, and that I have the right to go there.

Louis CK. Yes, I need to watch this even if I have to pay $7.99.

Maximalism. (4/27/20). I am reaping and reaping up the things from my past. It is wonderful wonderful-wonderful to experience. What a surprise. I expected something new – it’s a given – but I did not expect it to be so full of the past in such a novel and original way! I left myself such happy discoveries. I’m not a hoarder – those judging people who can’t stand anything but themselves filling up a space, those people can go and fuck themselves, those minimalists. Well, my bravery (yeah, it’s brave to keep and not destroy) at keeping things instead of “cleansing myself of them” has paid me dearly.

My home is looking beautiful. It is so full of art, beauty, quiet creativity that is both deep and warm. Deep and warm, kindling somewhere underneath is a fire. The ocean welcomes the setting sun…<3

Virus (4/27/20). I think what will happen in some spots is, they will not be patient, and mixed with that incredible, arrogant, stupidity only Americans can flaunt, things will go to shit and an incredible wave of death and disease will wash away everything good and bad in about 1 million people of this country alone. 1-fucking-million of them. Technology and healthcare – that’s where it’s at. And of course, food. Always food. Get ready for your once-a-month-only rationing of KoolWhip you fucking hicks.

It’s not the plague we asked for, but it’s the plague we deserve.

Tuesday 4/28/20. I have everything I need. I’m worried about a meat shortage. Will I have to eat the locusts coming this summer, during the record hot heat? Will I find I was right and it comes to be true that we find out we don’t need jobs, mostly and we are happy eating locusts and wildflower honey? You get to do whatever you want and you get to be whoever you like. (hope you like honey and locusts, bitches). (lol I sound so bitter, and I am , but also I’m not).

So thrilled – new Washed Out!!
And this old one…
Beach House’s videos are hot-damnity-dig-dog good. In my next life, I’d like to be in one.

4/29/20. Went on a virtual picnic with my dear friend. It was so good. I lay on brown shag carpet, she lay on a blanket in a pool of Spring grass, in the sun. T’was wonderful and I think we should do this a couple times a week while I’m not working. 😀

Important Insight

I was feeling suddenly very anxious about things, after about the middle of the day. That’s unfortunately normal for me, but it was really disturbing me because I knew it was unwarranted yet seemingly so intense. I felt very lonely, and detached from everyone, like I was the only person alive. My head went to the homeless/survivalist mode, like this is the way it is going to be forever. Totally common, but I didn’t understand it because socially, things have been great, with the exception of everyone’s stress and anxieties, of course. Anyway, I was talking to Adam about this. I rarely discuss this common reality warp with him or anyone, but it just struck me as particularly unfair after feeling so connected and loved by people, even on this very day I spoke to 2 loved people for a good length of time! Yet, again I feel this mix of loss, grief, fear, isolation. Confusing! Adam reminded me (always helps coming from someone other than me) that we just had so many good connecting times and situations with people, that I have friends, that I am loved, etc. Then, it just hit me as so obvious what the issue was! It is exactly because I had so many rich encounters with people just helping, or being a friend, or enjoying my company very recently that I felt that absence of it and was needing reconfirmation of it! That reconfirmation is something that, well, not everyone needs, and maybe nobody who has a really healthy sense of whatever-that-is every really needs a confirmation that “all is well” , “you still exist and matter to me”, etc. But, I do, especially after things go particularly well and I feel particularly cared about or valued. Just understanding that helped me out like 90%. I know well enough to know it is all inside me, but for sure it never feels that way. Just, I dunno, I wanted to write that here so when I’m perusing my posts sometime in the near future or far, I’ll be reminded and go “oh yeahhh”.

Got a new fridge coming tomorrow. 🙂 That will be nice.

Got furloughed, and that is reallllly nice. 😀

I have weeks now, if not months, to get my entire life together… I’m so fucking crazy excited and scared for/of all this freedom!!! omg i’m going to go to the desert IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WEEK ON A WEEKDAY AND BE ALONE!!!! I’M GOING TO PAINT ON MY BALCONY. I’M GOING TO DRAW IN CHARCOAL AND IN GRAPHITE AND COLOR IN INK DRAWINGS WITH WATERCOLOR…What else? I’m going to go through old old old journals and drawings and add to them, draw on them, photograph them. Scrapbook things, like make a travel scrapbook. Maybe I’ll order prints of 12×12 page designs and do it that way – then take pics of, and blog, them. 😀

What will I do when it comes time to go back? I don’t want to go back. I think for some reason, I will not be going back. I’ll be moving on. I hope it is better, whatever and wherever it is going to be. Maybe I really will learn me some tarot and become a professional Tarot Reader! Yes. In-home tarot readings. Each reading comes with a free drink of your choosing. I’ll set up a bar and a coffee and tea bar, with cookies and lemon wedges and such. It will be aromatic and lovely. People will be fine with taking their shoes off before they come in. I love this idea. Too bad I’m no salesperson (not too bad at all).

SO HAPPY HOW GOOD THIS IS! Yay, Fiona! Yayeeeee! ❤

My house is looking amazing…Everything is going…great…!!!! 😀

The Apocalypse Has Its Ups & Downs

I really like Cigarettes After Sex. I wish it was something better, though, that I was posting here.

I always deep-down thought I was probably the shitty/evil person in the room, but no…no, I’m not. There are really shitty, stupid people everywhere. They do good when things are good, when it perpetuates their own good, but when it comes to the higher, broader sense of self that includes others, they…they don’t get it, and that means it is real that they are really like that. They aren’t even ignoring The Good, they just really don’t get it. They don’t see why they should, or how it might be the most correct and highest way of Being for us amoeba, here infesting the Earth when we could be the Highest Part of It. Putting things together like toddlers do. Presenting everything they’ve created for themselves to others. “Look, look what I have done”. Mother nods enthusiastically, baby returns quickly to creation, and power.

Let’s see. What in this evening has inspired me? Feeling young (?); seeing sunlight of late afternoon fill space with the light of its own being. Captain, in a shadow of sunset. The cool evening weather of youth. Knowing everything that was good is still there, but off to the side, waiting in the flight of the past, always filling itself up on the present, creating more and more of itself. Traveling like a space ship on fast-forward.

Put it on fast-forward

I’m peacefully going in to the acceptance stage of the coronavirus grief. Desensitized, accepting of my fate as Its witness. Ugh. The humanity. We serve each other, that’s what they don’t get. Serve. submit to each other. Look, I know I’m on the upper level, looking down, here. I’m surveying, and I see the effects and consequences, ok? That’s how I know about the endings. That’s how I know the secret passwords. That’s how I know we were born here, and now here we exist, but that also we aren’t ONLY here. We’re unnecessary being so involved, and yet here we are, all Here; an unmanageable tangle of guests and interlopers. I dunno. I’m on the lower levels of the lowest realms when it comes to understanding The All Things & The All UnKnown. (A fun mean thing to say to people you’re angry with, “ha…I UN-KNOW YOU”).

I haven’t taken pictures of anything. How straaange. Very strange. How am I? I think…really good. Coming down from the panic of the fucking nightmach of real estate. Still in the “fix the order” stage, and I think it’s gonna be a long long time till touchdown brings me to a place where I know where everything is and have kept and tossed the things I’m keeping and tossing. How do I keep comfortable during non-stop transition? Nothing is safe, nothing is real, but that’s my wake-up call! Yes, nothings is safe, nothing is real, that’s why you just do your best and hope for the best and some luck, too. That’s it. Then do it over and over and over in all ways and all manners of ways, do it over and over again.

The balcony was perfect until Captain knocked a favorite pot off one of the 2 small, glass tables. But even then, I wasn’t angry. I could see he was sorry, and I thought, “you know, this is life”. A favorite pot breaks under the actions and ripple-effect consequences of others. What are you going to do? Accept and love Captain more than all the pots in the world, that’s what.

Thinking of once upon a time, my parents in an elegant; posh, maybe, even; cafe in Honolulu when I was an older child (9, 10). It was beautiful, with very high Parisian-style ceilings made to mimic the old tin, indented ones. Simple foods in glass cases – like, apple, guava and orange juice. Croissants. I felt soooooo wanted and loved; and sometimes, I felt unwanted. I needed a lot more than I was getting, but it is in our nature as humans. All of us feel that way, it’s why we form partnerships and, well, any and all relationships. Because everyone is incomplete; requires connection; must tune-in and be tuned-into. Connections are lost, new ones found. People in ICU’s, right now, creating bonds as nurse and patient. An incoming conclusion – that’s all of our destinies.

When i am around people, I feel like I fit the things that go in parenthesizes in between regular, explanatory text. Like, I’m the extra. Good stuff, but apart from the rest of the story. Am I being fair? Also, I walk around in life like there’s always a fucking dog a-foot.

Excuse me while I go play We Wish You A Merry Christmas on my fluto-phone.

I don’t know what’s right here. It’s very fluid. Very connected. That is true.

I’m still having an amazing year. This is my goal: I need to get organized and get my sanctuary down, and then do some afternoon and evening things going on with Cam & Ken. Hang my snake painting. Put the blank green collage canvas up on the easel. Put the little tree up with the sky-light. Put some string-lights up. An LED, color-changing prize for myself to hang off the balcony to make it look like fairyland at night. Hanging plants, flowers. Springerei.