There’s a lot here to work with, digitally. ❤
This sweet/innocent lady talking about her experience of NDE (Near Death Experience), and I thought: She’s a little dumb, of course her heaven would be a little dumb (but wonderful). Anyhow, she says there are palaces where musicians play and dancing happens and people in beautiful outfits (I feel guilty – my eye-rolling was intense intense) and “tables full of delicious foods like cakes and sausages and”… WAIT Wait wait wait wait. If there’s meat in heaven then does that meat implies some kind of Heaven has slaughterhouses type of situation and then the visuals came in and the process of like, happy, heaven animals getting their spiritual throats cut and their somehow-fleshy bodies getting chopped up. What of their little goat and cow spirits? Do they, as ghosts, after a traumatizing murder float up out of their body? And then what? Do they get reincarnated back into a new goat body back inside of Heaven’s Slaughterhouses or what?(it was a very funny/fun thought).
It’s finally Fall, and I am so happy for the physical feels and smells. Last evening it stormed, and it was just so wanted. I opened the doors and a window.
My anxiety is massive. WHO the fuck to be? An artist, who is broke, leeching off of another person (whom she loves) so she can be …alone? Is that what I really want? To be alone? If I say yes it doesn’t feel right. I’m a human being. I’m supposed to be alone.
Why the Hell right now, Jen? Why the Hell?
There was a time, when I was an old woman. I sat in a white, flaking rocker on a small porch attached to a house along a road that went through a wheat field. Trees abounded, too, somehow. And I was happy. My skin was leathered from joyful days in the sun with children and other people I loved. I was attached to all of them, one of them an official of justice – i was proud of him because I thought he was a good leader and that all of us good people were connected to each other. He was a friendly chap, but he annoyed me. I didn’t like his mannerisms.
Anyway, the wind passed through regularly at that place. The sunsets were magnificent and looked like a root of lava being surrounded by a flaming dinner plate.
The end days were really quite grand. I was filled every moment with pleasure and happiness. The last “alive in my body” moments were a struggle, but the mind (or consciousness) separated from my/that body pretty steadly and at a pretty darn quick pace. I mean, I think about it now and sincerely think “it’s not that bad. At the end, going to the dentist is worse. It’s something that matters not at all.
Thought: This band, Chicago. I always “loved” them, thought I appreciated them. I was watching this video and was just really reminded what kind of talents went into writing and producing a great song. Just keeping your voice level/steady while you sang; the musicians having to really be able to play. Just getting the combination of all those instruments to not drown each other out to resonate and harmonize…that shit was real.
I was also thinking: I was really lucky to be a kid when this stuff was the voice of a musical age that will never come again (as are all things), but will only influence and evolve (change into different things).
At work today, I opened my heart to Bon-Bon, whose grown daughter died 4 years ago yesterday. It’s a gift you give to yourself (the most powerful/meaningful of gifts) to be able to open yourself for others to take from. It’s good to just let people talk, to let them talk longer than the point at which you might have otherwise begun to respond to. Give them the floor and be as caring an audience as you can be. Respond to their heart with words from your own. Use any wisdom you may have (don’t make up bullshit, it’s got to be solid. Don’t offer anything not from the best part of your knowledge and even then, only carefully).
The beauty of their release is the show. Everyone fulfilled in the moment because everyone is made whole with Love. Not for always, but in the moment (or so).
I got a major hug from Cam’s amazing daughter (she sponsors like 10 people in AA. That’s basically being on-call 24/7 to people trying to kick addiction so bad it could kill them). It’s funny it didn’t occur to me the coincidence of the daughters being so involved at work today…interesting.
Life feels good and bright and deep right now. I’m really happy. It’s going to be an amazing fall. It feels like it’s here already! I feel like something new just happened in life for me. I have felt this before at some time in my life but I can’t put my finger on it. It’s a very significant thing, like a fortuitous omen. I painted or drew 5 fucking owls today -and a couple of snakes. The snakes are dead, and beautiful, and the owl is at rest, about to partake of her self-won reward. I like this. I, this, like a lot. ❤
We must shelter as we go. We must stop. These things are true because of our natural state of being is in having to deal with calamity, chaos, and pain. In poems and songs, these times are when we must wait at bus stops in the rain – at the place of going-somewheres, and at the place of stay-stills…
The summer turned out to be surprisingly complicated, not at all simple, and with zero rain.
The summer hasn’t ended yet, officially, but i feel it has for me. For that, I am very glad. Though I am feeling a bit traumatized (really), I’m astounded at my growth. I didn’t quite know if any was happening, or how my life was changing. I’ve been hoping quite desperately that it has changed, or at the least is changing right now. I’ve got this feeling of having been swimming for too long. I’ll keep swimming, because I can, and I have the drive to survive, but Jesus, give me some simple, steady, loving fun. I need more than I am getting? yes, but I’m also getting everything I’ve asked for.
Am I making this harder than it needs to be, or am I some fucking kind of hero?
I am quite tired. I love pain, though, so here am I, passed my bedtime like a ghost in the halls, worrying and afraid of what transpired this weekend, in a small desert casino-and-farm tied town, in a smoking-room, in the casino itself, watching bikers, drunk and lost people, just as lost as me, teetering through rows of machines as gracefully as they are able if over the age of 30 and as obviously as possible if they are under.
Anyway, I “played”, and drank sticky drinks where kind cocktail waitresses put 3 marachino cherries on a plastic sword for you because they can sense you are that type of old-child.
Anyway, we talked about fabulous times, decades, ownerships, companions, dear and deep relationships. She spoke to me honestly and kindly and even asked me questions about myself (thunder knocked hard at that chained wooden cellar door. I slipped long slips of paper under it, where she carefully read what it said, then she thanked me for my sharing).
It was a burden of mind and heart to be here. I felt such a shadow, like you’d feel about such a shadow on an x-ray of a lung. My stomach burned from the ashes of this fearful, nostalgic, loving woman. An incredible woman, I hope I can be as strong as someday; of whom I hope I am able to hold up to the golden light of the heart of Love and say “thank you thank you thank you” for. A woman once a girl and has since been a bridge to love for so many people. So fucking many people. I am trying to help her in the best way I can. I believe I am helping her a great deal. Where to stop, where to rest, where to shelter? When to do any of these things? When is it not selfish? How hard should the work be? Will I always grow from it? (Yes, though painfully at times). But why? (Silence). Am I doing anything wrong? (Silence). Please be specific. (Okayeeeeeeee…) Oh god, oh god please stop ow it burns!!!
Will I be able to do this? i can’t do it without more from myself and without my bridges.
September is a super healthy month-long goaltime for me. Lots of hiking (goal is 3 days per week); pescatarian (I’ll do my best); meditation; and, yoga (Jen, you need to fucking do this, you’re a trainwreck).