Simultaneously awful and brilliant. That’s the way I see myself. I have amazing gifts, talent, insight; yet I am easily lost and angrily vulnerable. I hoard energy within myself, so the beauty I produce is minimal or not at all. I get lost in other personalities (but this is getting better through time). All fear-based, without doubt. My energy goes from my heart to my toes – just before I act/engage, I let go. Why? Like a mushroom, what fear is visible and obvious is in reality, far-reaching and underground. What to do? I just want to shine more and I am working on it. I can feel strongly how good it feels to work myself up the trail of this mountain. Because I am consciously choosing growth, I am growing faster and growing stronger. It’s rough sometimes, and I never forget that other people are doing their own struggle in their own time, on their own mountain. It feels like a valuable thing to know this and I try to convey this to the people in my everyday life (so many people now; such incredible wealth of experiences and life I have now) – that I respect their place/time/burden/washed-out pathways/personal philosophies/anger/love/all the things. When I can do that, I see their light come forth because their “soul”, basically, is acknowledged when I relay that I understand that what I see is understood, and that I know there is much I can’t see but I am aware is there. I sense their holy ghost – heh. I’m also finding how easily I love these people and how standing firm in my boundaries keeps that fire alive and healthy. I know better now when to be quiet, to let the stampede pass (i’m up on a solid and large stone of Self and can never be hurt if I am vigilant). By not reacting, the wild animals of people’s hearts know I will not harm them and only want to observe them and silently love them. I know some of them absolutely feel it and it brings them peace. I can see it, I really can. It’s bringing me immense happiness like I never thought I’ve have (again).
No chance in hell am I going back and editing this word-diarrhea. lol I’m a be me.
Sometimes when i write a body of text, I will read, a few words wide, the center body of the text. It seems to give me an instant clear context of the nut of the feelings/thoughts I have. Sort of like a reality of the reality. It’s really helpful and interesting to do.