Fractured Light

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This past weekend: a tiny spring running through a creekbed in the forest! The water was running steadily and gently. The sun is hitting the pure water, making lightdance. The vignette is the shadow of old pines, towering overhead. (Was totally glorious).

We are fractured light, the whole of us.

Born, and to learn soon thereafter, that we are separate beings. Life, through time, unfolds and moves away from itself like a chrysanthemum bloom. The slow trauma of knowing separateness is a continual consequence of consciousness – personal, wholly alone consciousness. A soul.

Where inside “our time” we are as individuals (singularities), we can only guess based on the stage of our unfolding. Even then, we cannot know the state of being or the stage of time for what it is we cannot see and cannot know. Unknowing is a permanent state of each being’s experience, just as Knowing is. Everything that seems whole can be divided; so, too, can each of those new understandings. Two-by-two does life exit the ark of its state of delivery.

…An ocean growing inside – all the others seem shallow… (& Mountain Rain)

This song/music/video just nails down anxiety, especially the anxiety of The Running Out of Time. I listen to it over and over again. I think the guy in the video should get some kind of Short Film Genius Acting award.

Tame Impala – Let It Happen 

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v08192018 Mountain Rain. Entirely digital. If it remains unfinished, I am satisfied. (Yesterday was hugely creative. Soul retrieval feelz).

I went hiking on a new-to-me trail I had all to myself yesterday (totally amazing for a Saturday). The heavy rains from a couple weeks ago made the trail seem inaccessible, and not like a trail at all – I’m sure that’s why it was devoid of people. Anyhow, I went off trail to explore the forest a bit, and found this creepy/charming site where someone planned either a proposal or an engagement photoshoot.

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The letters (big, about 2′ high each) were in shambles; candles unlit; lighting strewn about the trees. An expensive and seemingly undone endevour. 
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I put it all back in order and took a lovely-creepy picture.

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We meet again.

Only the most demonic can recognize the most holy.

A god, running Its finger down the coast

An island in a perfect see.

An ocean of glass pushing down hard, the underworld, beneath it. Chanting the ancient translations, inauthentic to the original, a choir of criminals and charadeurs.  A replica of a replica.

It lays as dust in the shadow of a ghost. Found are the remains in the tomb. The new ending written long ago by whom we will never know.

Before I die, I will write the secret book, and until then I will live. I’m not death obsessed in a negative way at all. It is the most fascinating subject! An endless world of imagining for any human of even the most weak of imagination! It connects beautiful subjects to holy objectives; it connects harmony with hard beats. Just as we know music is true, we know it is representative of higher truths. Invisible branches of practical, yet unfathomable use.

The white things cannot help but to reflect the colors of their surroundings, and the color of the light. Light, cutting through reality like scissors, cutting us out of paper, making us simple and plain so that we could be drawn upon and strung about.

****

On the way to work, I’ve been recording a little audio session with myself. The “tapes” are coming along best at just over 10 minutes, I think. Turns out it’s like free therapy, totally cathartic, and it is really fascinating to listen to this person that is me! My talking is typically about day-to-day dealings with the people I interact with, those people who create the weather in the world I walk around in. It’s really fascinating! I laugh a lot and find myself to be really funny, even when I’m not trying to be. I am enjoying myself like I’m someone else enjoying someone else! It makes me think I haven’t really met myself! It helps me love myself and just as importantly I like myself. Such a strange therapy and so effective. Love it. Love love love.

Someday, I’ll look at all of this (I hope) and have such a good time reading about whoever it is I was that will become who I am. When will that be, I wonder. What will that time be like?

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‘The Friendship’. About 2008-09. Acrylic ink and gold paint pen. On paper.  I’m going to take this into photoshop and see if I can’t turn it into a cool digital painting and in a different style.

 

While He’s Away at the Lake

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Digital, unfinished painting. I’ll never finish it. 

You can choose to turn this into something else, outside its original context of Love, into the context of a haunted prison. Life doesn’t care whether or not you do something to it; Life is what you do to it. If you think it’s going well, or you think it’s done and you think it’s gone well, then it is or has. You can divide your life into lives. Past ones, and the intimidating and hopeful and scary future ones. Who were you? Who will you be? Those two questions apply to most of our souls – and this means that who you are cannot possibly be defined, because you, being no specific being doesn’t ever occur. Wait, I relinquish that last hypothesis. Perhaps I believe that you can be pure emotion/feeling. You can be pure love, pure hate, pure singular devastation…the options are endless, and now we’ve created a world that creates worlds and worlds within those worlds with their own worlds, and so on.

Also, I would like to say that I really love the use of “…” at the ends of sentences I wish the reader to take in for a longer pause of reflection before continuing on reading. I do believe if you can use a symbol in a symbol, where appropriate, it relates and communicates better. And isn’t that the fucking point? If I use what is around me and inside me, and mash it all together, or arrange it – yes, arrange it – into a particular order which pleases me and (and!) may help another see or feel even some part of my mind, then I have succeeded in the only real way human beings are ever truly with each other/as one. Maybe. I like what I’m saying, but it always brings up other truths that make my last one not nonsense, and not an untruth, but a kind of halfway-nowhere. Le ugh. I’m gonna go watch some comedians.

***

I have the house to myself for a couple of days. It is exactly what I needed, and I’m SO happy to be feeling this way! I thought I’d be lonely, but I’m so relaxed, and so enjoying myself. This is what it feels like to be happy. Ah so good. This is real happiness.

I opened my email to see an invitation to have a tent at an art fair just up the street. No cost! I haven’t felt excited about anything in the artworld for quite a while, and this really stirred me! I probably won’t do it, I’m not ready, but it felt really lovely to feel this way inside my happy evening here at home.

I looked around and thought of redecorating, and making things more “me”, but I also kind of want to wait. Why improve something I’m renting, for god’s sake? Why not dream of the future instead and save for a truly me/mine/ours experience? Why try to paint a cheesy dollar-store statuette gold? Why not smash that fucking ugly piece of shit against a wall and make myself something pleasing?